Ken Ober, former host of the 80’s MTV game show “Remote Control” (aka bye-bye music videos), was found dead in his home. No cause of death has been released.
“Remote Control” was responsible for spawning the careers of such celebrities as Adam Sandler, Kari Wuhrer, and Colin Quinn. So… yeah. Thanks for that.
Ober… and out.
The Black Eyed Peas are terrible… just terrible. I don’t know why this even needs to be said, but seeing as they keep releasing songs and showing up on TV, apparently people aren’t paying attention to the damage The Black Eye Peas are doing to America. Every time you buy a Black Eyed Peas CD, the terrorists win.
Let’s see… 3 talent-light guys “sing” (read: talk) in unison, while a dubiously hot chick (with admittedly great legs) hangs out until it’s her turn to “belt.”
This brings me to the only part of this group worth much: Fergie. By the way, why does anyone call her “Fergie” instead of “Stacy Ann Ferguson?” I think that name is a lot classier and sounds a lot less like a butcher. If I had a butcher, I’d call him “Fergie.”
What is Fergie’s job, anyway? Slow-motion walk-in-place in pre-strip stripper clothes while the other guys talk in unison, then “sing” for a measure while the fellas drop back to watch her onion wiggle? Fergie… why so conservative? Love the butt-chin, BTW.
If you remain unconvinced, let’s delve into their lyrics… shall we?
“Boom Boom Pow”
Gotta get that
Gotta get that
Gotta get that
Gotta get that that that, that that
And can we forget the classic “My Humps?”
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)
She has a hunchback? Ew.
And then there’s “Don’t Phunk With My Heart,” which… ugh… why even bother?
How do you think their “songwriting” sessions go?
Guy 1: “Yo, how ’bout we go ‘no no no no no no no no no’?”
Guy 2: “Word. Then we say ‘yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.’”
Fergie: “[squeak].”
Dear Black Eye Peas. Please stop.
Lighting: The light source goes in front of you, but behind the camera. Not behind you. Not in front of you and also in front of the camera. Put the damned light in front of you and behind the camera. Overhead lighting will work in a pinch, but only if it isn’t in frame, or so bright that it whites out everything. See, the way light works is that it has to bounce off of something, then back to our eyes, in order for us to see it clearly. How well can you see when you do the sun stare? Is this starting to make sense?
Hot chicks: First, on behalf of all mankind, thank you for your services. Now, on to my point. Before filming your next masterpiece, please double-check to make sure that there are no unrestrained dogs, cats, or boyfriends that might wander douchebaggily into the shot, thereby ruining my moment. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is.
Hot chick friends: If you have hot friends who want to join in, by all means… please invite them. Nothing inspires young teenage girls to pull out their best freaky circus Hannah Montana stripper moves like a little healthy competition for daddy’s attention. Exception: if your hot friend is a buzz-kill, please lock her in the bathroom for the remainder of the shoot. There is very little in this world that is worse that you doing something incredibly hot, then stopping to spend the next 5 minutes trying to convince your giggling simp of a friend to shake her ass for me.
Un-hot chick friends: Just don’t.
Editing: Do it. Nobody needs to see 5 minutes of you cleaning piles of Hello Kitty paraphernalia off your floor and giggling with your friends before you get down to shaking your booty for daddy. The walk of shame back up to the camera to turn it off may be left in if it’s particularly hot. Remember… editing is your friend (and mine).
Sound: We’re talking music and audio quality here. In all honesty, neither really matters, as I’m probably just going to mute it anyway. If, however your choice in music is absolutely vital to the experience, or if you are planning on moaning and calling out my name, please let me know in advance so I can plug in my earbuds.
Mise en scène: This is a cinematographic phrase of French origin that means “If you’re on the floor shaking your booty, please make sure that the camera is pointed at you.”
Choreography: A little time invested in planning out your routine is very welcome. This ties into mise en scène as well. If you are planning on dropping it like it’s hot, please make sure that your camera operator knows about this in advance and is capable of moving a camera properly to capture your art uninterrupted.
Camera operation: Never, ever turn your camera sideways, upside down, tilt it to a jaunty angle, move it around, or do anything similarly annoying that is likely to make me throw up in my lap. If I wanted to see sucky camera work, I’d turn on MTV. Holding the camera while running/dancing/prancing around is also discouraged. Remember… tripods are your friend.
Warm up: Always stretch out first.
27
Nov 09
Stuff I’m Thankful For
Being the Thanksgiving season and whatnot, here’s some stuff I’m thankful for:
Stay gold, Ponyboy.