Buddy, can you spare a United Future World Currency?

Fellow world citizens, I present… The Future!  United Future World Currency, that is!

Comrades, feast your Vulcan squinties on this sparkly bastard!  Available for a limited time, in a limited test run, in a limited joint venture between The Belgian Mint, The Kremlin, and The QVC, we present to you the “United Future World Currency!”  The UFWC is minted in Brilliant Uncirculated .999 pure Gold-Pressed Latinum, and is available now, to you, our home viewers, for the low-low-low price of just 666 installments of $99,999.95!

Just think of the world peace… of MIND… you’ll be carrying in your pocket!

At long last, we God-fearing American folks have a common currency to link us together with our fellow peace-loving brethren and sistren in the ginormous world family that is North Korea [1], Iran, Rwanda, Sudan, Cuba, and many, many other failed experimental socialist welfare states in Europe [2] and Asia [3]!

Not only is the name not ridiculous at all, this coin is guaranteed [4] to erase all guns, bombs, ninja throwing stars, nuclear power, war, crime, oil, the combustion engine, global warming and/or cooling and/or staying the same, poverty, starvation, blight, drought, hatred, genocide, racism, fascism, prism schism, cultural and linguistic differences, slavery, everything interesting, and the radical extermination of liberty everywhere!

Just think!  No more funny languages to learn in high school!  Learning is hard, right kids?  And what’s with all that crazy-looking money from other countries?  Say goodbye, colorful designs!

But wait!  That’s not all!  No need to fear, white people!  We haven’t forgotten about you!  Everything on the coin is written in splendid English, the language of hygiene and tomorrow!

HOORAY!  ¡Hurra!  Yaşasın!  Hoan hô!  УРА!  만세!  الصيحة!  萬歲!  הידד!  やったー!

Don’t worry… we promise [5] you won’t confuse these damn things with the pile of Sacagawea dollars you already have lying at the bottom of your piggy bank.

  1. Technically, North Korea will not be playing.  This is purely the fault of the Imperialist American government and its South Korean puppets.  친애하는 지도자는 당신을 사랑.
  2. Or failing.  Failed:  Greece.  Failing:  France, Great Britain, Portugal, California, et al.  Don’t mind Europe… We here in the Good Ol’ US of A, with our Good Ol’ ‘Murican know-how, can do it right!  We won’t fail like every other socialist nation and state on the planet already has!  USA!  USA!
  3. Except China.  They seem to be doing pretty well.  Totalitarian control, child slave labor, sweatshops, WalMart, and owning 73% of the United States doesn’t hurt.
  4. Not really.
  5. Not really.
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  • Tleden

    Mike…I can't believe you are buying into this conspiracy theory. Next you're gonna tell me that the United States government is gonna take over our automotive industry (and the President will actually fire the head of GM), our banking industry, our healthcare industry (and fine individuals for not buying into its healthcare program), that Fannie and Freddie Mac will go bust, and that there won't be any money in the social security trust fund when I retire….Seriously Mike, you're crazy! :)

  • Dale Hankemeier

    Yes! At long last, hope and change!! (I would rather have Bob Hope, and real silver coins in my pocket, but, what the hey!!) Great insight, in the fine tradition of great sarcasm and you have to be kidding me, bravo Michael, for another insightful blog.