HackerHaus

Does anyone else have a problem with the above sign?

Let’s define our terms:  “Medium” is Small.  “Large” is Medium.  And “King” is WayTooFuckingBig.  Welcome to America.  Please roll thru.

Corporate America is brainlaundering us into believing that we are getting more value just because they have changed how their minimum wage slaves puke out words.  It doesn’t matter that a “small” (aka “medium”) meal is actually considered LARGE in Japan as it is…  Americans need VALUE.

I don’t know which is worse… that THEY are doing it or that WE let them get away with it.

Following is a typical exchange between myself and a nondescript anonymous drive-thru worker (translated from heavily-accented Spanglish into what I imagine is what they are actually saying):

• NADTW: Sir, may I take order?
• Me:  Yes, I’d like a cheeseburger.
• NADTW:  Would you like combo?
• Me:  Sure.
• NADTW:  What you like drink?
• Me:  Coke (really, I’d rather have Pepsi, but they never have it… so I lie).
• NADTW:  What size?
• Me:  Small.
• NADTW:  . . .
• Me:  . . .
• NADTW:  You mean medium?
• Me:  . . . No… I mean “small.”
• NADTW:  . . .
• Me:  . . .
• NADTW:  We no got small.  Only medium.
• Me:  . . .
• NADTW:  Hello?
• Me:  What is the smallest size you have?
• NADTW:  Medium.
• Me:  Is there anything smaller?
• NADTW:  No.
• Me:  You DO know that “medium” means “in the middle,” right?  If it’s the smallest drink, and there’s nothing smaller, how the hell can it possibly be in the middle?  In the middle of WHAT???
• NADTW:  . . .
• Me:  Nevermind.  Please don’t spit in my drink.
• NADTW:  [garbled] please drive thru

Corporate America isn’t the only criminal organization guilty of this.  Politicians are also rather deceitful and devious.  They can smile to your face while their confederates are jamming candy canes up your poop shoot.  At least when McDonald’s lies to us, it only kills us and robs us of our money slowly.  Politicians are significantly quicker with their thievomurdery.

Did anyone notice when “Global Warming” became “Climate Change?”  Was it right around the time that the data showing a 9 year COOLING trend came out?  Hmmm.  Ain’t it great to be able to twist language so that even when you’re wrong, you can still FEEL right?

Don’t even get me started on “Change.”  What change?  What is changing?  How?  Specifically?  By what authority?  I happen to think that much of the stuff in America is fantastic.  Start changing that, I might have to put a medium-sized boot up your ass.  And by “medium,” I DO mean “assrippingly gi-normous.”

And “Fairness Doctrine?”  How is it “fair” to force viewpoints on people by requiring private companies to bend to the will of whoever happens to be wielding the riding crop at the moment?

Words mean things, folks.  That’s why they’re in the dictionary.  Stop with the double-speak.  Enough of the lies.  Fuck passive-aggressiveness in its passive-aggressive booty-hole.  Open your mouth and say exactly what you think.  You can be nice about it; a certain degree of social lubrication is a good thing… just don’t slather it with butter and bullshit.    If we could just express ourselves more honestly with each other… imagine what we could accomplish!  Lawyers might even end up on the endangered species list!

In closing, I want to leave you with a few words from the late, great George Carlin:

The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people. Or they de-populate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call “sunshine units.” Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they?  Never mention that part of it.

RIP, Motherfucker.

Dear blog-reader types,

Noted author Stephen King made the following pitch for literacy from the Library of Congress yesterday:

“I don’t want to sound like an ad, a public service ad on TV, but the fact is that if you can read, you can walk into a job later on. If you don’t, then you got the Army… Iraq… I don’t know. Something like that. It’s not as bright. So that’s my little commercial for that.”

While he received little, if any, applause for his remarks, Mr. King’s words have inspired me to write this open letter. I’m not even going to be so petty as to mention that he–a professional, best-selling writer–followed “if you can read” with “if you don’t.” (What I just did is called “paralepsis,” by the way.) Please indulge me for a moment.

- - - - - - - - -

Mr. King,

I am both a veteran of the United States military and a natural-born American citizen. In the interest of full disclosure, I’m admittedly not a fan of your work (I prefer not to read much fiction). I did, however, enjoy the made-for-TV miniseries based on your best-seller “The Stand.”

M-O-O-N… that spells… well… I assume it spells something. But I wouldn’t know. Being a former military man, I apparently can’t read very well.

In all seriousness, not only can I read relatively well in my own native language, I can also read (and speak) 3 other languages, and am currently toying with a 4th. I realize that polyglotism is not common amongst most natural-born American citizens, but it might come as a surprise to you that it’s actually quite common amongst members of the military. How is that possible?

Many military members are products of multicultural families (i.e. father was military, mother was a native of Country X), so they were raised speaking multiple languages in the home. Additionally, many of the men and women in the military spend countless years (often without family or loved ones) in foreign countries where they are forced by circumstances to acquire the native tongue just to get by. Finally, many of my military brothers and sisters (me included) were fortunate enough to attend the prestigious Defense Language Institute, the premier language school on the planet. So much for us being illiterate in other languages.

I also have an actual college degree in a rather technical subject, and am considering pursuing another (MA in Japanese). In fact, most (if not all) of my military friends have at least a Bachelor’s degree. Many of them even have Master’s degrees, also in rather technical subjects. So much for us being uneducated.

Many among my brothers and sisters enlisted (or re-enlisted) specifically to go to Iraq and Afghanistan to serve their country and fellow man. Both those who enlisted and those who re-enlisted were and are well-educated human beings who left lucrative careers in various fields to serve. They did not re/enlist just to get away from a crappy life, crappy economy, or crappy neighborhood. Nor did any of them re/enlist so they wouldn’t have to learn how to read.

I would like to ask you one question: How is it that you, one of the intellectual elite, are so poorly-informed about the fine young men and women who make up the US Military? Is it possible that you have some sort of political agenda that slipped out while you were speaking extemporaneously? Surely, that cannot be the case. Even you are far too intelligent to bite the hand that protects you while you write creepy books.

Warmest Regards,

Michael Hacker
USAF (1987-1998)

I’m going to shamelessly steal something from Einstein and contort it to serve my own self-aggrandizing purposes.  Since he’s dead, I don’t think he’ll mind.  Even if he weren’t dead… I think I could still kick his ass.

You see, the internets is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  This is how you get ones and zeros.  Squeeze/meow = one.  No squeeze/no meow = zero.  Do you understand this?   And WiFi operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

That is all.

The world of D-List “Celebrity” ballroom dancing hit a new low last night in the form of ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars.”

I’m sure everyone was horrified by the shame that “Master P” (aka Percy Miller) brought to the floor. And how can anyone forget Sabrina Bryan’s premature ejection from last year’s competition? But this is worse. Much worse. My horror can be expressed in just two words:

“Def Leppard.”

First off… is it just me, or were they lipsynching? I’ve seen Def Leppard live recently (yeah… shut up), and they didn’t sound anything like that. I bet if I did a “Dark Side of the Moon / Wizard of Oz” thing with last night’s show and the original “Hysteria” CD, I’d go back in time.

Rick Allen looked completely disinterested and detached. His drumming made Charlie Watts look like a cross between Buddy Rich and Andreas Katsulas having a jog with Harrison Ford. Joe Elliott looked like Ann Wilson in a Bruce Vilanch wig. And Viv Campbell…? You should’ve stayed with Dio, my friend. I guess you can always follow in Reb Beach’s footsteps and join the “Don Dokken Experience.”

The worst rape of unsuspecting air molecules uttered in last night’s episode? “Give it up, once again… for Def Leppard!”

Never again will I be able to look ballroom dance in the face without secretly resenting her. No… I will not respect you in the morning.