Celebs

Celebs / Dance — Comments
2
Mar 10

Dancing With The Stars

Yes, folks… it’s that time again. Time for once-famous “celebrities” to strut their stuff on the dance floor in hopes of taking home the coveted prize: a 2nd chance at scraping together a bit of fame and cashing in before the last bits of self respect drip away. Let’s hope nobody breaks a hip this year!

The names have been released, so let’s take a look at who we have to look forward to seeing this year:

Pamela Anderson
“Actress”
Age: 42

One word: “ew.” Seriously? Pamela Anderson? Am I the only man in this country who isn’t turned on by plastic and peroxide? Even if she were ever “hot,” that had to be at least 30 years ago. This is why the terrorists really hate us, folks.

Erin Andrews
ESPN Reporter Babe
Age: 18 (butt) / 31 (everything else)

I don’t watch sports. At all. So I have no idea who Ms. Andrews is. That said, she has my attention. I tried finding a picture of her face on the internet, but it seems that the only photos out there are of her butt.

Shannen Doherty
Actress
Age: 38

Oh, come on… you’re only doing this because Jennie Garth did it first. In all seriousness, I hope she blows a gasket and picks a fight with Niecy Nash. I wouldn’t pay to see it, but I’d be willing to TiVo it and skip over the commercials to watch it.

Niecy Nash
Actress
Age: 40

Go on with your bad self.

Nicole Scherzinger
“Singer”
Age: 31

I have no idea which one she is, but I’m sure she’s probably one of them. Even if she’s the ugly one, I’ll probably still watch.

Kate Gosselin
Reality TV personality / Baby Factory
Age: 34

Don’t they make a cute couple? I’m really pulling for them. I bet their babies would be cute.

There are apparently a bunch of guys on the list, too, but… [yawn]

Celebs / Commentary / TV — Comments
26
Jan 10

Diff’rent Strokes

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Child actor and noted gollum Gary Coleman was arrested in his Utah home on charges related to domestic violence.

Waitaminute… UTAH? Seriously? Wow. I’d never have seen that coming. UTAH???

Still… it would’ve been so much cooler if he’d been arrested for murder or something really sick and brutal like tax sodomy or serial douchebaggery.

I can almost hear the lyrics to the Diff’rent Strokes theme song now…

Celebs / Hollywood / Humor / Movies / TV — Comments
18
Jan 10

Ricky Gervais Rocks the Golden Globes

Celebs / Commentary / Movies — Comments
10
Dec 09

Team Edward

TeamEdward

Celebs / Commentary — Comments
10
Dec 09

Was John Lennon Psychic?

In hindsight, it certainly would appear that John Lennon was psychic when he penned the song “Norwegian Wood.”

I mean… how else could he have known that Elin Nordegren would go after Tiger with a golf club? [ba-dump-ching!]

(Yeah, I know she’s Swedish. Just play along.)

Celebs / Commentary / Lists / Twitter — Comments
3
Dec 09

Top 5 Most Annoying People on Twitter

@BarackObama – Barack Obama

Claim to fame: TechPhony

Followers: 2,795,004

Sample Tweets: Irrelevant. He’s never used Twitter, despite duping millions into believing that he actually was using it.

@PerezHilton – Perez Hilton (aka Mario Armando Lavandeira)

Claim to fame: Drawing jizz on pictures of actual famous people / Celebutard

Followers: 1,650,587 (the irony that he has more followers than the person whose name he stole is not lost on me)

Sample Tweet: @MTV Do you still love me? Tell me you love me! Xoxo

@ParisHilton – Paris Hilton

Claim to fame: Rich Daddy / Extreme Vapidity

Followers: 1,098,079

Sample Tweet: That’s hot.

@spencerpratt – Spencer Pratt

Claim to fame: Fame-seeking DoucheWhore

Followers: 668,566

Sample Tweet: All my haters should tune in to the tonight show at 11pm! You will love how I get booooed on Conan! It was legendary! Haha fame is SICK!

@officialTila – Tila Tequila (aka Tila Nguyen)

Claim to fame: Looks like a small Japanese boy with big fake boobies.

Followers: 266,333

Sample Tweet: & I know FOR A FACT that I’m the ONLY BITCH you’re scared of @perezhilton cuz you KNOW I have more balls, power & influence then u do!

Celebs / Commentary / Music / TV — Comments
17
Nov 09

R.I.P. Ken Ober

Ken Ober

Ken Ober, former host of the 80’s MTV game show “Remote Control” (aka bye-bye music videos), was found dead in his home. No cause of death has been released.

“Remote Control” was responsible for spawning the careers of such celebrities as Adam Sandler, Kari Wuhrer, and Colin Quinn. So… yeah. Thanks for that.

Ober… and out.

Celebs / Commentary / Music — Comments
15
Nov 09

The Black Eyed Peas are Terrible and Must Be Stopped

The Black Eyed Peas are terrible… just terrible. I don’t know why this even needs to be said, but seeing as they keep releasing songs and showing up on TV, apparently people aren’t paying attention to the damage The Black Eye Peas are doing to America. Every time you buy a Black Eyed Peas CD, the terrorists win.

Let’s see… 3 talent-light guys “sing” (read: talk) in unison, while a dubiously hot chick (with admittedly great legs) hangs out until it’s her turn to “belt.”

This brings me to the only part of this group worth much: Fergie. By the way, why does anyone call her “Fergie” instead of “Stacy Ann Ferguson?” I think that name is a lot classier and sounds a lot less like a butcher. If I had a butcher, I’d call him “Fergie.”

What is Fergie’s job, anyway? Slow-motion walk-in-place in pre-strip stripper clothes while the other guys talk in unison, then “sing” for a measure while the fellas drop back to watch her onion wiggle? Fergie… why so conservative? Love the butt-chin, BTW.

If you remain unconvinced, let’s delve into their lyrics… shall we?

“Boom Boom Pow”

Gotta get that
Gotta get that
Gotta get that
Gotta get that that that, that that

And can we forget the classic “My Humps?”

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

She has a hunchback? Ew.

And then there’s “Don’t Phunk With My Heart,” which… ugh… why even bother?

How do you think their “songwriting” sessions go?

Guy 1: “Yo, how ’bout we go ‘no no no no no no no no no’?”
Guy 2: “Word. Then we say ‘yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.’”
Fergie: “[squeak].”

Dear Black Eye Peas. Please stop.

Celebs / Musings — Comments
14
Jul 08

Call me, Sarah

At long last, Sarah Silverman and medium-time dough-y companion Jimmy Kimmel have called it quits. Finally. Now’s my chance.

Jimmy… I think there are some donuts in the other room. Scamper. Sarah… I’m addressing this directly to you. Slide on over and let me drop some sexy on you…

You’re beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, sarcastic, and Jew-y. What more could a guy want? Why not try a regular guy for a change? I know you’re hurting. I know you like fat guys. Plus, I look great in a kilt. Go ahead… give me a call. What could it hurt?

XOXOXO
Michael

source – [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedishrag/2008/07/sarah-silverman.html]