Yes, folks… it’s that time again. Time for once-famous “celebrities” to strut their stuff on the dance floor in hopes of taking home the coveted prize: a 2nd chance at scraping together a bit of fame and cashing in before the last bits of self respect drip away. Let’s hope nobody breaks a hip this year!
The names have been released, so let’s take a look at who we have to look forward to seeing this year:
Pamela Anderson
“Actress”
Age: 42
One word: “ew.” Seriously? Pamela Anderson? Am I the only man in this country who isn’t turned on by plastic and peroxide? Even if she were ever “hot,” that had to be at least 30 years ago. This is why the terrorists really hate us, folks.
Erin Andrews
ESPN Reporter Babe
Age: 18 (butt) / 31 (everything else)
I don’t watch sports. At all. So I have no idea who Ms. Andrews is. That said, she has my attention. I tried finding a picture of her face on the internet, but it seems that the only photos out there are of her butt.
Shannen Doherty
Actress
Age: 38
Oh, come on… you’re only doing this because Jennie Garth did it first. In all seriousness, I hope she blows a gasket and picks a fight with Niecy Nash. I wouldn’t pay to see it, but I’d be willing to TiVo it and skip over the commercials to watch it.
Niecy Nash
Actress
Age: 40
Go on with your bad self.
Nicole Scherzinger
“Singer”
Age: 31
I have no idea which one she is, but I’m sure she’s probably one of them. Even if she’s the ugly one, I’ll probably still watch.
Kate Gosselin
Reality TV personality / Baby Factory
Age: 34
Don’t they make a cute couple? I’m really pulling for them. I bet their babies would be cute.
There are apparently a bunch of guys on the list, too, but… [yawn]
30
Apr 08
DwtDL
The world of D-List “Celebrity” ballroom dancing hit a new low last night in the form of ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars.”
I’m sure everyone was horrified by the shame that “Master P” (aka Percy Miller) brought to the floor. And how can anyone forget Sabrina Bryan’s premature ejection from last year’s competition? But this is worse. Much worse. My horror can be expressed in just two words:
“Def Leppard.”
First off… is it just me, or were they lipsynching? I’ve seen Def Leppard live recently (yeah… shut up), and they didn’t sound anything like that. I bet if I did a “Dark Side of the Moon / Wizard of Oz” thing with last night’s show and the original “Hysteria” CD, I’d go back in time.
Rick Allen looked completely disinterested and detached. His drumming made Charlie Watts look like a cross between Buddy Rich and Andreas Katsulas having a jog with Harrison Ford. Joe Elliott looked like Ann Wilson in a Bruce Vilanch wig. And Viv Campbell…? You should’ve stayed with Dio, my friend. I guess you can always follow in Reb Beach’s footsteps and join the “Don Dokken Experience.”
The worst rape of unsuspecting air molecules uttered in last night’s episode? “Give it up, once again… for Def Leppard!”
Never again will I be able to look ballroom dance in the face without secretly resenting her. No… I will not respect you in the morning.