On your recent episode of “Penn’s Sunday School,” you admonished us, your listeners, to reach out and contact our heroes while they are still able to answer (my words, not yours). Since my séance machine is in the shop, I figured that I’d better do it while you’re still alive and kicking. After all, one never knows when skin-skin might invade brain-skin, right?

So here I am. Reaching out.

I’m a 42 year old military veteran, language nerd (I’ve studied English, French, Russian, Japanese, and Mandarin Chinese), martial artist, musician, and a bit of a hack songwriter/poet when the muse visits. I was born in Iowa, have lived in Japan for a lengthy period, and am now a resident of Phoenix, AZ, where I’m finishing my MA in Applied Linguistics at Arizona State University. My thesis is literally (literally-literally, as opposed to the pseudo-vernacular figuratively-literally) on the use of farts and poop as metaphor in children’s cartoons/literature in Japanese.

I’m not an atheist, but I’m also not a textbook theist, either. In fact, I’ve been called a Zen Christian by some folks. (I’m still trying to figure out what that means.) Ultimately, I’m a lowercase-L libertarian, and believe pretty firmly in live-and-let-live.

I’ve enjoyed your many appearances on TV and, especially, on Adam Carolla’s podcast. Needless to say, when I learned that you’d be doing your own weekly podcast, I subscribed hyperbolically instantly.

I’d love to see your Vegas show someday, and perhaps even meet you. Once I finish grad school (provided I don’t continue on to torture myself with PhD studies), time and money should open up a little bit and allow me to make the arduous 30 minute flight from Sky Harbor to McCarran.

If you’re ever in the Phoenix area, I’d love to show you my favorite places to eat and have some great conversations with you.

Regards,

Michael Hacker

PS: Although I’m sure The Internet (insert ominous music here) has already spanked your tushie for misattributing the quote “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” to Plato (other sources attribute it to Philo of Alexandria), being the information junkie that you are, I figured you’d want to know that there are dueling attributions out there.

No related posts.

BRAAAAAAINS...

Charlie Sheen has experienced a sort of spiritual epiphany as of late.  He is the topic of conversation everywhere you turn.  Overnight, seemingly by some sort of warlock magic, he became the undisputed champion of Twitter and Ustream.

Charlie Sheen is a modern zen master.  Charlie Sheen is a stealth fighter with switchblade eyeballs and grizzly bear jaws for testicles.  He runs on pure Tiger Blood, Jet Fuel, and Charlie Sheen.

He is Charlie Sheen.

I’ve collected a few of Charlie Sheen’s zen koan.  I follow each with my own questions and observations.

“I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.”

If it is actual Tiger Blood that makes Charlie Sheen the awesome warlock that he is, why are actual tigers relatively lame?  Are they genetically immune to the effects?

What if you die really awesomely, like… with a machete or something?  Does that still make you an amateur?

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Isn’t he worried about recursively overdosing on himself?  Does the Tiger’s Blood protect him from the effects of his own nested awesomeness?

Only a ninja can kill a ninja… but not even Charlie Sheen can kill Charlie Sheen.  That’s how powerful he is.  Injecting Charlie Sheen into your veins is the drug equivalent of looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant.

“It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary.”

If he’s so busy winning (which… duh… he obviously is…), how does he have time to actually put the wins in the record books?  Did he hire someone to do the monkey work for him?  Maybe he’s he a time lord.

“These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”

Charlie Sheen’s heart only has 3 chambers.  He didn’t need the extra chamber, so he ripped it out with his mind.

“I mean, what’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party man, it’s epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

Armless children are made of pure win as it is, but Charlie Sheen is better.  That’s how hard Charlie Sheen wins.

“I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.”

Is this an actual collection or just a metaphor?  Either way… win.

“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA.”

I’m guessing the Adonis DNA somehow chemically interacts with the Tiger Blood and recursive Charlie Sheen drug to eternally fuel his warlock powers.  This would definitely explain his invincibility.

“Duh, winning!”

Duh indeed.

No related posts.

Creepy much?

Just about everyone I know has been asking the same question lately:  “Huh?  ‘Karate’ Kid?  Shouldn’t it be ‘Kung Fu’ Kid?”

With the massive ecological disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, controversy over illegal immigration, high unemployment, the still-tanking world economy, collapsing European nations, growing government bureaucracy, multiple wars, poverty, starvation, and Lindsey Lohan, America is getting bored and needs something real to worry about.  Enter “The Karate Kid.”

Why “Karate” instead of “Kung Fu?”  It’s obvious that it was done for brand name recognition.  Hollywood normally presumes that most Americans is even stupider than they is, and don’t want to bewilder the monkeys.  Can you imagine the confusion over naming a remake of “The Dukes of Hazzard” something like “Them Crazy Rednecks?”  What would’ve happened had the writers of “The A Team” remake not inserted the line “… this Alpha Unit, or ‘A-Team’” so that the viewing public wouldn’t get uneasy with all that jargony Army stuff?

I wouldn’t be surprised if the makers of “The Karate Kid,” hip to the throngs of people asking why it isn’t “The Kung Fu Kid,” didn’t throw in some dialogue to placate the herd:

• Fresh Prince, Jr.: “Hey, you’re just like Mr. Miyagi, and I’m like the Karate Kid.”
• Jackie Chan:  “No.  Not Karate.  Kung Fu.  See, Karate comes from Okinawa.  The Japanese later adopted, Japanized, and spread the art through the world, but it’s originally an Okinawan art (which, by the way, originally came from China).  Kung Fu means ‘hard work’ in Chinese, and it is a Chinese art.  I am Chinese.  I speak Chinese.  We are filming in China.  Do you understand the words that are coming outta my mouth?”
• FPJ: “Whatever, man…  you crazy.”

Or something like that.

Here’s a history/language lesson for those who give a crap:

Karate was originally developed in Okinawa, but has strong Chinese roots.  In fact, the Chinese characters originally used to write it are 唐手, which means “China (T’ang Dynasty) Hand.”  (Interestingly, the Koreans still use this nomenclature in the form of Tang Soo Do – 唐手道 – way of the China Hand.)  In most areas in Okinawa, the art was often referred to by the name of the region in which it was practiced, e.g. Naha-Hand, Shuri-Hand, etc.  After Funakoshi Gichin brought the art to Japan, the Japanese said, “Uh… yeah… we’re not comfortable with all that ‘China’ stuff, so if you could just go ahead and change that first character, that’d be great, mmmkay?”  So, it was decided that they (the Japanese) would use another character which was (and still is) also pronounced ‘kara.’  Enter 空手 (empty hand).

Kung Fu is written 功夫 in Chinese, and basically means something like “skill earned through hard work.”  I like to think that this name actually originated from a joke.  Imagine some white tourists shlepping around the Chinese countryside, when they happen upon some monks training in the fields.  One corpulent tourist asks the tour guide, “Hey… what’s that stuff?”  The tour guide replies, “Kung Fu (snicker).”  The tourist is so pleased with his new knowledge, that he fails the notice the tour guide elbowing the bus driver in the ribs, saying, “Did you hear that?  I told him it was ‘hard work.’  Now he thinks that’s what the art is called!  BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA…”

Wushu is more likely what they’re doing in the movie (just speculation, as I haven’t seen it yet.)  This is where things get weird.  Wushu is written 武術 in Chinese.  (In Japanese, that word is pronounced Bujutsu.)  Wushu literally means “martial art,” but is more often used today to describe the showy, gymnastic-y, flashy stuff that came about after the Communists killed off, or drove into exile, all the truly powerful Chinese martial artists, only to later realize that they needed something culturally uniquely Chinese in nature to show the world how awesome they are.  In China, Wushu is for showing off athleticism.  In Japan, Bujutsu describes the “old school” combat systems.

I blame Mao.

No related posts.

Me: Guitarist/Songwriter/Recordist.  Can sing if I absolutely have to.  Living in Chandler, AZ.  Burnt out on the band thing for a long time.  Not getting any younger.  No interest in partying.  No drugs, cigarettes, or booze.  Cover songs OK, but not my focus.  Interested in writing, playing, and recording.

You: At least 30 years old.  Live relatively close to me.  Similar influences.  Bassist, singer, drummer, and/or songwriter.  Over the rock star ego, attitude, drama, and partying bullshit.  Interested in music.  Not afraid to look/sound stupid.

My incomplete list of influences:

• 70′s classic rock
• 80′s pop and hair metal
• Beatles
• Billy Joel
• Boston
• Budgie
• Dr. Demento
• Dreams Come True (Japanese pop)
• Dream Theater (“Train of Thought” album)
• Feel So Bad (Japanese metal)
• Frank Zappa
• Heart
• Indigo Girls
• James Taylor
• Joe Pass
• Joe Satriani
• King’s X
• Led Zeppelin
• Metallica
• Nuno Bettencourt
• Queen
• Queensrÿche
• Rush
• Sasagawa Miwa (Japanese pop)
• Southern All-Stars (Japanese rock)
• Steve Vai
• They Might Be Giants
• Tom Lehrer
• Van Halen
• Weird Al Yankovic
• Zemfira (Russian pop rock)

If any of this sounds like you, hit me up.  If not, I’m sure there’s a Linkin Park cover band somewhere in the valley that needs a keyboard player.

No related posts.

I rather enjoy watching military-related programs like NCIS and pretty much any action/spy movies with a high SBU factor.  In other words, pretty much anything with Matt Damon beating the holy living shit out of someone with bad-ass Krav Maga moves.  I swear I’m not gay, but I’d consider taking his Bourne Ultimatum into my Green Zone… if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, listen… while I have your attention, I have one request.  Please stop making your actors explain acronyms.  Seriously.  It makes you sound retarded and makes us feel like you think we’re retarded.

For example:

• Mel Gibson:  “Oh noes!  It’s the NSA!”
• Random Douchebag:  “You mean the National Security Agency???”
• Mel Gibson:  (Stares blankly at Random Douchebag.)
• Random Douchebag:  (Stares blankly back at Mel Gibson.)
• Mel Gibson:  “No, dumbfuck.  I mean ‘Noodle Slurpers of Armenia.’  Did your parents drop you on your head straight into a pile of yak shit when you were a baby?”

How about another:

• LL Cool J:  “Looks like our dead Marine was former EOD in Iraq.”
• Random Douchebag: (Knowing nod) “Explosive Ordinance Disposal.”
• LL Cool J:  “Look… how’d you like me to shove this block of C4 up your urethra and blow it up remotely via an unnecessarily elaborate cell-phone-based detonation process?”
• Random Douchebag: (Pauses) “You said ‘blow’…”
• LL Cool J: (boom)

I think you get the idea.

Seriously, stop it.  The bottom line is that we, your mind-numbed viewing public, are not stupid.  At least, not as stupid as you are.  Many of us have actually done some of the things your actors are pretending to do on screen.  Face it… if “the people” are too stupid to get it, they’re too stupid to watch your show.  They belong on E! watching the Kardashians (Armenian reference #2) wax their forearms.  You don’t need them.  You don’t want them.

That is all.  Thank you for your service to our country.  USA!!!  USA!!!  (Not the channel.)

No related posts.

I finished a bit of work this afternoon and, with nothing better to do, decided to wander around.  On my way home, I stopped by Changing Hands Bookstore to look at their second-hand foreign language book collection as I am wont to do.  To my chagrin, there was a large crowd there to hear a speaker, and my language book section had, as usual, been relocated to some unknown location.  At first, I was a bit annoyed, but I’ve become accustomed to this happening when speakers were there.  As the speaker was introduced, my ears perked up.

I have been studying Third Reich history since I was a small boy.  But I had never met a survivor… until tonight.

Ernest W. Michel survived several Nazi concentration camps, including the death camp at Auschwitz.  He told us that shares his experiences, “not because I enjoy it… this is very hard for me.”  He shares because he has a responsibility to bear witness to what he had endured.

These were no stories from some history book.  These were the stirring words of a man openly sharing the most horrific experiences anyone can imagine.  This was a man sharing his life.  Ernest Michel’s words were open, honest, and searing.  His words were just as much a part of his flesh as the number 104995 on his left arm.

He shared personal stories from Kristallnacht, the camps, and of his escape.  He told us of writing down the names and numbers of the countless dead, and of carrying their bodies to their eventual destination: “up the chimney.”  He also talked about his involvement with the Nuremberg trials after the war, including meeting several famous reporters who were covering it for the various world news agencies, such as Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite.

One story that particularly struck me was of his meeting with Hermann Göring, formerly the 2nd most powerful man in the Third Reich.  Apparently, Göring had been reading Michel’s news articles in the German press.  Having heard that Michel was present at the trials, Göring asked if he would be willing to meet with him.  When Michel entered the cell of the former Reichsmarschall, Göring stood to greet him, offering his hand.  Michel refused to shake the hand of the top living Nazi, instead asking the guard to allow him to leave the cell.  The last thing he saw was Göring standing there, hand outstretched.

Mr. Michel openly fielded questions from the crowd, including those asked by two young boys.  Through a welcoming smile that did nothing to hide the seriousness of his words, he admonished them: “Learn, young man.  Learn history.”

Despite all he had been through, he told us that he cannot live with hate.

When my opportunity came to talk to Mr. Michel and ask him to sign my copy of his book “Promises Kept,” I reminded him of his Hermann Göring story.  He looked up.  I asked, “Would you do me the honor of shaking my hand?”  He smiled broadly and gave me a hearty, warm handshake.

Tonight, I shook the hand of the man who refused to shake the hand of Hermann Göring.  Tonight, I shook the hand of Ernest W. Michel, Auschwitz Survivor #104995.

No related posts.

The names have been released, so let’s take a look at who we have to look forward to seeing this year:

Pamela Anderson
“Actress”
Age: 42

One word:  “ew.”  Seriously?  Pamela Anderson?  Am I the only man in this country who isn’t turned on by plastic and peroxide?  Even if she were ever “hot,” that had to be at least 30 years ago. This is why the terrorists really hate us, folks.

Erin Andrews
ESPN Reporter Babe
Age:  18 (butt) / 31 (everything else)

I don’t watch sports.  At all.  So I have no idea who Ms. Andrews is.  That said, she has my attention.  I tried finding a picture of her face on the internet, but it seems that the only photos out there are of her butt.

Shannen Doherty
Actress
Age: 38

Oh, come on… you’re only doing this because Jennie Garth did it first.  In all seriousness, I hope she blows a gasket and picks a fight with Niecy Nash.  I wouldn’t pay to see it, but I’d be willing to TiVo it and skip over the commercials to watch it.

Niecy Nash
Actress
Age: 40

Go on with your bad self.

Nicole Scherzinger
“Singer”
Age: 31

I have no idea which one she is, but I’m sure she’s probably one of them.  Even if she’s the ugly one, I’ll probably still watch.

Kate Gosselin
Reality TV personality / Baby Factory
Age: 34

Don’t they make a cute couple?  I’m really pulling for them.  I bet their babies would be cute.

There are apparently a bunch of guys on the list, too, but… [yawn]

No related posts.

FAWM stands for February Album Writing Month. Each February, hundreds of people all over the world are spending the entire month writing, recording, and releasing music. The goal is to complete 14 songs by the end of the month. Given that February has only 28 days, that’s a new song every other day! But the real goal was probably stated best by Jack London: “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club!”

For more information, check out the FAWM website: http://fawm.org/

No related posts.

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Child actor and noted gollum Gary Coleman was arrested in his Utah home on charges related to domestic violence.

Waitaminute… UTAH?  Seriously?  Wow.  I’d never have seen that coming.  UTAH???

Still… it would’ve been so much cooler if he’d been arrested for murder or something really sick and brutal like tax sodomy or serial douchebaggery.

I can almost hear the lyrics to the Diff’rent Strokes theme song now…

No related posts.

No related posts.