Movies
8
Dec 09
Dear SciFi (SyFy) Channel
First off, I’ll be blunt: the new name is awful. “SciFi” was a good name. “SyFy” is made of diet fail. Everyone in the world agrees with me, with the possible exception of the few executards that voted to change it for no apparent reason. It looks like it should be pronounced “siffy,” which sounds like some quaint Cockney slang for venereal disease. “Oy, guv’nor… got a wee bit of the SyFy, do we?”
Also, I hate that there are no more new “Battlestar Galactica” episodes. I realize this isn’t your fault, but still… just sayin’. “Caprica” is nice and all, but it’s no BSG. Anyway, I digress. On to my point.
Please stop making horrible movies.
“Alice” was so bad as to be offensive, despite your best efforts to pander to the secret Tim Curry geek that lives somewhere deep, deep inside of me. The writing was insipid. The acting was irrelevant. Not that it really matters, but the so-called “judo” was just insulting. At least Alice managed to toss in a “Captain Kirk throw” for good measure, eh?
Max Headroom? Colm Meaney? My, how the mighty have fallen. Why have you forsaken me??? Was Steven Seagal not making any new Direct-to-USA-Network movies this week? At least Caterina Scorsone was nice to look at.
Oh, BTW… what was the deal with the real cat with the CGI Cheshire grin? Creeped me right the hell out. Stop that.
Please consider leaving perfectly good stories alone. What was wrong with the original “Alice in Wonderland” story line? What’s next? “Robo-Dumpty?” How ’bout “Snow White and the Seven Deadly Gargoyles?” Oh, wait… I got it: “Winnie the Pooh: SPIDERS!!!”
I can just imagine tomorrow’s big pitch meeting: “Hey, I have an idea for a holiday movie that the kids will love! It’s just like Good King Wenceslas, only this time, Wenceslas is a half-man/half-giraffe member of a secret clan of ninja assassins, and he’s totally gonna hook up with Megan Fox and… and… [brain aneurysm].”
Aren’t you about overdue to make “Mansquito 2: Electric Boogaloo?”
10
Nov 09
How to @YouTube
Lighting: The light source goes in front of you, but behind the camera. Not behind you. Not in front of you and also in front of the camera. Put the damned light in front of you and behind the camera. Overhead lighting will work in a pinch, but only if it isn’t in frame, or so bright that it whites out everything. See, the way light works is that it has to bounce off of something, then back to our eyes, in order for us to see it clearly. How well can you see when you do the sun stare? Is this starting to make sense?
Hot chicks: First, on behalf of all mankind, thank you for your services. Now, on to my point. Before filming your next masterpiece, please double-check to make sure that there are no unrestrained dogs, cats, or boyfriends that might wander douchebaggily into the shot, thereby ruining my moment. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is.
Hot chick friends: If you have hot friends who want to join in, by all means… please invite them. Nothing inspires young teenage girls to pull out their best freaky circus Hannah Montana stripper moves like a little healthy competition for daddy’s attention. Exception: if your hot friend is a buzz-kill, please lock her in the bathroom for the remainder of the shoot. There is very little in this world that is worse that you doing something incredibly hot, then stopping to spend the next 5 minutes trying to convince your giggling simp of a friend to shake her ass for me.
Un-hot chick friends: Just don’t.
Editing: Do it. Nobody needs to see 5 minutes of you cleaning piles of Hello Kitty paraphernalia off your floor and giggling with your friends before you get down to shaking your booty for daddy. The walk of shame back up to the camera to turn it off may be left in if it’s particularly hot. Remember… editing is your friend (and mine).
Sound: We’re talking music and audio quality here. In all honesty, neither really matters, as I’m probably just going to mute it anyway. If, however your choice in music is absolutely vital to the experience, or if you are planning on moaning and calling out my name, please let me know in advance so I can plug in my earbuds.
Mise en scène: This is a cinematographic phrase of French origin that means “If you’re on the floor shaking your booty, please make sure that the camera is pointed at you.”
Choreography: A little time invested in planning out your routine is very welcome. This ties into mise en scène as well. If you are planning on dropping it like it’s hot, please make sure that your camera operator knows about this in advance and is capable of moving a camera properly to capture your art uninterrupted.
Camera operation: Never, ever turn your camera sideways, upside down, tilt it to a jaunty angle, move it around, or do anything similarly annoying that is likely to make me throw up in my lap. If I wanted to see sucky camera work, I’d turn on MTV. Holding the camera while running/dancing/prancing around is also discouraged. Remember… tripods are your friend.
Warm up: Always stretch out first.
29
Aug 08
Bloggin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
Tonight was quite interesting. Had a fantastic night at the dojo. Talked to a very interesting visitor who may or may not decide to come back. Enjoyed a light show unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Weathered a storm unlike anything I’ve ever seen outside of a Japanese typhoon. Circumnavigated flooded streets, stranded cars, and downed trees and power lines. I even survived another Nerf gun war at work. You know… the usual stuff.
I got home late after a long night at work and was still feeling a bit punchy, so I decided to do what any right-thinking person might: I spent an evening watching “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.”
Wow… it was really MUCH worse than I had remembered. (Greatest movie title EVER, though.) This one seriously ranks right up there on the lost-childhood-o-meter with “The Last Dragon” (Who’s the master now, Leroy? Sho ‘Nuff.) and “The Greatest American Hero” (rockin’ theme song).
I miss the days when gangs wore matching outfits and broke out into spontaneous dance fights. I miss the days when it was considered tough to wear a rolled-up hot pink bandana around your neck… as long as you could pop and lock like a bad ass. Mostly, I guess I just miss the days when I didn’t miss the days.
The centerpiece of B2:EB was, of course, the delicious Lucinda Dickey as Kelly “Special K.” Mmmmm… Lucinda… [ahem]. Anyhoo, did you know she was also a Solid Gold dancer? Wait… that’s not all! She also starred as Cory in “Cheerleader Camp” (aka “Bloody Pom Poms” in the UK) and as Christie in “Ninja III: The Domination,” easily the greatest of any in the 80’s Ninja Domination genre. (Hmmm… Kelly, Cory, Christie… I’m detecting a distinct dose of alliteration here…) I was, however, disappointed to find out that she had a role in “Grease 2: (decisively not Electric Boogaloo).”
Providing the cloves and pineapple slice for the honey-glazed Dickey were the now-unubiquitous Adolfo “Shabba-Doo” Quinones as Ozone and Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers as Turbo. Among the still-influential dance moves brought forth by these titans in B2:EB were Ozone’s “blow magic fairy dust in the face of his opponent while making googly-eyes) thingy and Turbo’s “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” routine (which, believe it or not, preceded Mr. Lionel Ritchie’s “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” routine by a full two years!)
Ya know… I’m not sure what was worse: the multi-color neon assault… the sonic wedgies… Ozone’s hot pink crop top… the cheese-ball acting… Maybe it was just the total package: a full-frontal, all-out synergistic prison rape of every available cavity.
And is it just me… or can white, Hispanic, and Asian guys all breakdance better now than black guys could then? What? Only me? OK… maybe I’ll let this one go.
The movie crescendos to a climax when the rival squad jumps up on stage for some improvised, planned-out, yet completely uninterestingly spontaneous choreography. Finally, moved by an apparent wave of Liberal White Guilt, Special K’s folks drop a big, fat deus ex machina in the pot, thereby saving the day.
And yes, in case you were wondering… that was a young, leather-and-spike-clad Ice-T rapping in up during the final triumphant scene where our lovable street imps finally raise enough dead presidents to stick it to the man. Yay.
I wonder if it’s available on Widescreen DVD yet…?
10
Dec 09
Team Edward