Creepy much?

Just about everyone I know has been asking the same question lately:  “Huh?  ‘Karate’ Kid?  Shouldn’t it be ‘Kung Fu’ Kid?”

With the massive ecological disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, controversy over illegal immigration, high unemployment, the still-tanking world economy, collapsing European nations, growing government bureaucracy, multiple wars, poverty, starvation, and Lindsey Lohan, America is getting bored and needs something real to worry about.  Enter “The Karate Kid.”

Why “Karate” instead of “Kung Fu?”  It’s obvious that it was done for brand name recognition.  Hollywood normally presumes that most Americans is even stupider than they is, and don’t want to bewilder the monkeys.  Can you imagine the confusion over naming a remake of “The Dukes of Hazzard” something like “Them Crazy Rednecks?”  What would’ve happened had the writers of “The A Team” remake not inserted the line “… this Alpha Unit, or ‘A-Team’” so that the viewing public wouldn’t get uneasy with all that jargony Army stuff?

I wouldn’t be surprised if the makers of “The Karate Kid,” hip to the throngs of people asking why it isn’t “The Kung Fu Kid,” didn’t throw in some dialogue to placate the herd:

• Fresh Prince, Jr.: “Hey, you’re just like Mr. Miyagi, and I’m like the Karate Kid.”
• Jackie Chan:  “No.  Not Karate.  Kung Fu.  See, Karate comes from Okinawa.  The Japanese later adopted, Japanized, and spread the art through the world, but it’s originally an Okinawan art (which, by the way, originally came from China).  Kung Fu means ‘hard work’ in Chinese, and it is a Chinese art.  I am Chinese.  I speak Chinese.  We are filming in China.  Do you understand the words that are coming outta my mouth?”
• FPJ: “Whatever, man…  you crazy.”

Or something like that.

Here’s a history/language lesson for those who give a crap:

Karate was originally developed in Okinawa, but has strong Chinese roots.  In fact, the Chinese characters originally used to write it are 唐手, which means “China (T’ang Dynasty) Hand.”  (Interestingly, the Koreans still use this nomenclature in the form of Tang Soo Do – 唐手道 – way of the China Hand.)  In most areas in Okinawa, the art was often referred to by the name of the region in which it was practiced, e.g. Naha-Hand, Shuri-Hand, etc.  After Funakoshi Gichin brought the art to Japan, the Japanese said, “Uh… yeah… we’re not comfortable with all that ‘China’ stuff, so if you could just go ahead and change that first character, that’d be great, mmmkay?”  So, it was decided that they (the Japanese) would use another character which was (and still is) also pronounced ‘kara.’  Enter 空手 (empty hand).

Kung Fu is written 功夫 in Chinese, and basically means something like “skill earned through hard work.”  I like to think that this name actually originated from a joke.  Imagine some white tourists shlepping around the Chinese countryside, when they happen upon some monks training in the fields.  One corpulent tourist asks the tour guide, “Hey… what’s that stuff?”  The tour guide replies, “Kung Fu (snicker).”  The tourist is so pleased with his new knowledge, that he fails the notice the tour guide elbowing the bus driver in the ribs, saying, “Did you hear that?  I told him it was ‘hard work.’  Now he thinks that’s what the art is called!  BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA…”

Wushu is more likely what they’re doing in the movie (just speculation, as I haven’t seen it yet.)  This is where things get weird.  Wushu is written 武術 in Chinese.  (In Japanese, that word is pronounced Bujutsu.)  Wushu literally means “martial art,” but is more often used today to describe the showy, gymnastic-y, flashy stuff that came about after the Communists killed off, or drove into exile, all the truly powerful Chinese martial artists, only to later realize that they needed something culturally uniquely Chinese in nature to show the world how awesome they are.  In China, Wushu is for showing off athleticism.  In Japan, Bujutsu describes the “old school” combat systems.

I blame Mao.

Tonight was quite interesting.  Had a fantastic night at the dojo.  Talked to a very interesting visitor who may or may not decide to come back.  Enjoyed a light show unlike anything I’ve ever seen.  Weathered a storm unlike anything I’ve ever seen outside of a Japanese typhoon.  Circumnavigated flooded streets, stranded cars, and downed trees and power lines.  I even survived another Nerf gun war at work.  You know… the usual stuff.

I got home late after a long night at work and was still feeling a bit punchy, so I decided to do what any right-thinking person might:  I spent an evening watching “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.”

Wow… it was really MUCH worse than I had remembered.  (Greatest movie title EVER, though.) This one seriously ranks right up there on the lost-childhood-o-meter with “The Last Dragon” (Who’s the master now, Leroy?  Sho ‘Nuff.) and “The Greatest American Hero” (rockin’ theme song).

I miss the days when gangs wore matching outfits and broke out into spontaneous dance fights.  I miss the days when it was considered tough to wear a rolled-up hot pink bandana around your neck… as long as you could pop and lock like a bad ass.  Mostly, I guess I just miss the days when I didn’t miss the days.

The centerpiece of B2:EB was, of course, the delicious Lucinda Dickey as Kelly “Special K.”  Mmmmm…  Lucinda… [ahem].  Anyhoo, did you know she was also a Solid Gold dancer?  Wait… that’s not all!  She also starred as Cory in “Cheerleader Camp” (aka “Bloody Pom Poms” in the UK) and as Christie in “Ninja III: The Domination,” easily the greatest of any in the 80′s Ninja Domination genre.  (Hmmm… Kelly, Cory, Christie… I’m detecting a distinct dose of alliteration here…)  I was, however, disappointed to find out that she had a role in “Grease 2: (decisively not Electric Boogaloo).”

Providing the cloves and pineapple slice for the honey-glazed Dickey were the now-unubiquitous Adolfo “Shabba-Doo” Quinones as Ozone and Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers as Turbo.  Among the still-influential dance moves brought forth by these titans in B2:EB were Ozone’s “blow magic fairy dust in the face of his opponent while making googly-eyes) thingy and Turbo’s “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” routine (which, believe it or not, preceded Mr. Lionel Ritchie’s “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” routine by a full two years!)

Ya know… I’m not sure what was worse:  the multi-color neon assault… the sonic wedgies… Ozone’s hot pink crop top… the cheese-ball acting…  Maybe it was just the total package: a full-frontal, all-out synergistic prison rape of every available cavity.

And is it just me… or can white, Hispanic, and Asian guys all breakdance better now than black guys could then?  What?  Only me?  OK… maybe I’ll let this one go.

The movie crescendos to a climax when the rival squad jumps up on stage for some improvised, planned-out, yet completely uninterestingly spontaneous choreography.  Finally, moved by an apparent wave of Liberal White Guilt, Special K’s folks drop a big, fat deus ex machina in the pot, thereby saving the day.

And yes, in case you were wondering… that was a young, leather-and-spike-clad Ice-T rapping in up during the final triumphant scene where our lovable street imps finally raise enough dead presidents to stick it to the man.  Yay.

I wonder if it’s available on Widescreen DVD yet…?