Me: Guitarist/Songwriter/Recordist.  Can sing if I absolutely have to.  Living in Chandler, AZ.  Burnt out on the band thing for a long time.  Not getting any younger.  No interest in partying.  No drugs, cigarettes, or booze.  Cover songs OK, but not my focus.  Interested in writing, playing, and recording.

You: At least 30 years old.  Live relatively close to me.  Similar influences.  Bassist, singer, drummer, and/or songwriter.  Over the rock star ego, attitude, drama, and partying bullshit.  Interested in music.  Not afraid to look/sound stupid.

My incomplete list of influences:

• 70′s classic rock
• 80′s pop and hair metal
• Beatles
• Billy Joel
• Boston
• Budgie
• Dr. Demento
• Dreams Come True (Japanese pop)
• Dream Theater (“Train of Thought” album)
• Feel So Bad (Japanese metal)
• Frank Zappa
• Heart
• Indigo Girls
• James Taylor
• Joe Pass
• Joe Satriani
• King’s X
• Led Zeppelin
• Metallica
• Nuno Bettencourt
• Queen
• Queensrÿche
• Rush
• Sasagawa Miwa (Japanese pop)
• Southern All-Stars (Japanese rock)
• Steve Vai
• They Might Be Giants
• Tom Lehrer
• Van Halen
• Weird Al Yankovic
• Zemfira (Russian pop rock)

If any of this sounds like you, hit me up.  If not, I’m sure there’s a Linkin Park cover band somewhere in the valley that needs a keyboard player.

FAWM stands for February Album Writing Month. Each February, hundreds of people all over the world are spending the entire month writing, recording, and releasing music. The goal is to complete 14 songs by the end of the month. Given that February has only 28 days, that’s a new song every other day! But the real goal was probably stated best by Jack London: “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club!”

For more information, check out the FAWM website: http://fawm.org/

I mean… how else could he have known that Elin Nordegren would go after Tiger with a golf club?  [ba-dump-ching!]

(Yeah, I know she’s Swedish.  Just play along.)

Let’s see… 3 talent-light guys “sing” (read: talk) in unison, while a dubiously hot chick (with admittedly great legs) hangs out until it’s her turn to “belt.”

This brings me to the only part of this group worth much: Fergie.  By the way, why does anyone call her “Fergie” instead of “Stacy Ann Ferguson?”  I think that name is a lot classier and sounds a lot less like a butcher.  If I had a butcher, I’d call him “Fergie.”

What is Fergie’s job, anyway?  Slow-motion walk-in-place in pre-strip stripper clothes while the other guys talk in unison, then “sing” for a measure while the fellas drop back to watch her onion wiggle?  Fergie… why so conservative?  Love the butt-chin, BTW.

If you remain unconvinced, let’s delve into their lyrics… shall we?

“Boom Boom Pow”

Gotta get that
Gotta get that
Gotta get that
Gotta get that that that, that that

And can we forget the classic “My Humps?”

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

She has a hunchback?  Ew.

And then there’s “Don’t Phunk With My Heart,” which… ugh… why even bother?

How do you think their “songwriting” sessions go?

Guy 1: “Yo, how ’bout we go ‘no no no no no no no no no’?”
Guy 2: “Word.  Then we say ‘yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.’”
Fergie:  “[squeak].”

Dear Black Eye Peas.  Please stop.