TV
5
Jan 10
Shazam!
Hey, man... you gonna bogart that whole thing?
Oh, Elders, fleet and strong and wise, appear before my seeking eyes! Why have you ruined my childhood?
On a whim of misplaced nostalgia, I decided to watch the old “Shazam!” TV show from the 1970s. When I watched it as a kid 30-some years ago, it was cool as hell.
Holy Moley, What The Frack happened? The show sure sucks a lot more than I remembered it sucking in the 70s! It’s predictable, formulaic, preachy, cheesy, obvious, and just plain awful. No wonder humanity is screwed. My generation was brought up on this crap!
I used to think that this show was the best. Billy Batson was just a normal punky little pipsqueak (as was I)… wearing the same clothes every day, living out of an RV with a creepy old guy, and talking to cartoons (as did I). But all he had to do was yell “Shazam!” and he turned into a superhero… tall and muscled, with chiseled good looks and great 70s hair, able to fly, and old enough to buy beer without being carded (which would explain Captain Marvel’s slurred speech).
Remember back in the 70s when TV music was just TV music? Well, now you can’t hear it without imagining some half-clothed pizza delivery guy showing up at a lady’s house asking, “Did someone order a pizza?” Juxtapose that with the image of an underage boy traveling the country in an RV with an old guy, and things start feeling sticky. And what’s with calling the old guy “Mentor?” I can’t imagine anything that could possibly creep me out more. “Hey there, musssssscley armssss…”
Batman had a kickass car. Wonder Woman had an invisible plane. Captain Marvel had a shitty, beat-up RV with a “Shazam” sticker pasted on the front. What a ripoff.
The best part of every episode was the smug post-rescue lecture. Didn’t pretty much every 70s Saturday morning kids show end with getting chewed out by some superhero, cartoon Army guy, or anthropomorphized vehicle? “Hey kids… Speed Buggy says ‘Don’t be a Douchebag!’” Oh, and all the meddling. Ah, the joys of meddling in the affairs of others. Have you noticed that there hasn’t been much “meddling” going on since the 70s? What’s up with that?
Finally, let’s address the so-called “Elders.” Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Solomon. Wait… SOLOMON? Greek Gods (albeit, Hercules’ name in Greek is actually Heracles), a sorta-demi-god warrior, and a former King of Israel? I don’t get it. Weren’t any of the Greek gods super-smart? And while I’m at it… if the “Elders” were really all that badass, why did they have to call Billy on that crappy Rubik’s Cute/LiteBrite thingy?
Oh, mighty Isis… nothing makes sense anymore.
8
Dec 09
Dear SciFi (SyFy) Channel
First off, I’ll be blunt: the new name is awful. “SciFi” was a good name. “SyFy” is made of diet fail. Everyone in the world agrees with me, with the possible exception of the few executards that voted to change it for no apparent reason. It looks like it should be pronounced “siffy,” which sounds like some quaint Cockney slang for venereal disease. “Oy, guv’nor… got a wee bit of the SyFy, do we?”
Also, I hate that there are no more new “Battlestar Galactica” episodes. I realize this isn’t your fault, but still… just sayin’. “Caprica” is nice and all, but it’s no BSG. Anyway, I digress. On to my point.
Please stop making horrible movies.
“Alice” was so bad as to be offensive, despite your best efforts to pander to the secret Tim Curry geek that lives somewhere deep, deep inside of me. The writing was insipid. The acting was irrelevant. Not that it really matters, but the so-called “judo” was just insulting. At least Alice managed to toss in a “Captain Kirk throw” for good measure, eh?
Max Headroom? Colm Meaney? My, how the mighty have fallen. Why have you forsaken me??? Was Steven Seagal not making any new Direct-to-USA-Network movies this week? At least Caterina Scorsone was nice to look at.
Oh, BTW… what was the deal with the real cat with the CGI Cheshire grin? Creeped me right the hell out. Stop that.
Please consider leaving perfectly good stories alone. What was wrong with the original “Alice in Wonderland” story line? What’s next? “Robo-Dumpty?” How ’bout “Snow White and the Seven Deadly Gargoyles?” Oh, wait… I got it: “Winnie the Pooh: SPIDERS!!!”
I can just imagine tomorrow’s big pitch meeting: “Hey, I have an idea for a holiday movie that the kids will love! It’s just like Good King Wenceslas, only this time, Wenceslas is a half-man/half-giraffe member of a secret clan of ninja assassins, and he’s totally gonna hook up with Megan Fox and… and… [brain aneurysm].”
Aren’t you about overdue to make “Mansquito 2: Electric Boogaloo?”
17
Nov 09
R.I.P. Ken Ober
Ken Ober, former host of the 80’s MTV game show “Remote Control” (aka bye-bye music videos), was found dead in his home. No cause of death has been released.
“Remote Control” was responsible for spawning the careers of such celebrities as Adam Sandler, Kari Wuhrer, and Colin Quinn. So… yeah. Thanks for that.
Ober… and out.
29
Aug 08
And now I know…
“Michael Jackson” are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that he never grows old…
Because he’s a Cylon. And here is the photographic evidence to prove it:
Take that, Ron Moore, you half-assed, half-season crap-bastard. Your secret is out.
Michael Jackson is the Final Cyclon.
Jackson Five. Final Five. Coincidence? I think not.
What do you think Mr. Jackson meant when he sang the following in “She’s Out Of My Life?”
She’s Out Of My Life
And I Don’t Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry
I Don’t Know Whether To Live Or Die
- The “she” he’s referring to is obviously Caprica 6. He was so forlorn over her leaving him for Gaius Baltar that he went all pedophile-C3PO on us.
- He can’t laugh because Cyclons are serious and don’t joke around.
- He doesn’t know “whether to live or die” because now, with the Resurrection Hub destroyed, this death would be final, causing him to feel, for the first time, the internal existential struggle with life and death that we all face as mortals. Maybe in death… they become us? Creepy!
Don’t you see it people? It’s so obvious! All that was needed was for the lyrics of Elton John and Michael Jackson to come together and make sweet love in the Eye of Jupiter to form a hybrid half-gay / half-pedophile toaster baby… now it all makes sense.
And now I know.
26
Jan 10
Diff’rent Strokes
What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Child actor and noted gollum Gary Coleman was arrested in his Utah home on charges related to domestic violence.
Waitaminute… UTAH? Seriously? Wow. I’d never have seen that coming. UTAH???
Still… it would’ve been so much cooler if he’d been arrested for murder or something really sick and brutal like tax sodomy or serial douchebaggery.
I can almost hear the lyrics to the Diff’rent Strokes theme song now…