GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

It’s FIFA World Cup time again, and like all red-blooded ‘Muricans, I have been waiting in anticipation for each and every game of the World Cup so that I can ignore each and every game of the World Cup.

This is ‘Murica!  Who do we think we are now?  Part of the world?  You don’t see Brasil (they can’t even spell “Brazil” correctly) playing in the World Series, do you?  No!  That’s because we don’t need ‘em!  Just like the song says, “we are the world.”

Let’s face it.  We know that soccer is way cooler than our ‘Murican version of football.  If that weren’t bad enough, the entire rest of the planet has the gall to call soccer “football.” Let’s get something straight, planet.   We don’t care if your version of “football” is, like, way older than ours.  We’re ‘Muricans!  When we name something, we ‘spect it to stay named!  And don’t even get me started on your strangely-named games like “Australian Rules Football” and “Rugby,” both of which make ‘Murican football players (or “footballers” in worldy lingo) look like a bunch of pansies in PVC armor and spandex groping for each others Hacky Sacks whilst watching a special double feature of “Mamma Mia” and “Sex in the City 2″ in a dark movie theatre full of sailors.

Anyhoo, soccer sucks… blah, blah blah.

K-Jong-Dizzle and Posse

So, there I was, happily ignoring the World Cup, when I heard a story on the news about the ragtag team of North Koreans that really tugged at the ol’ 심장 strings.  Not the actual team, mind you.  By “team,” I mean the North Korean fans.  And by “North Korean fans,” I mean “Chinese actors hired by the North Korean government to pretend to be North Koreans because the North Korean government won’t let North Koreans out of North Korea for fear that they (North Koreans) might see how the rest of us live and have to go home (to North Korea) really, really bummed.”

What really gets me angry is that they hired unknowns.  Think of how awesome the World Cup could have been had they hired the following:

• Jackie Chan – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, while drunk, using improvised weapons like clay wine bottles and vuvuzelas, all while making comical faces and pretending to have hurt his fist after punching big guys in the face.
• Jet Li – totally would’ve ass whooped everyone, but looked like an angry bad-ass while doing it.  No weapons needed.  Just pure bad-assery.
• Chow Yun Fat – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, except with guns and a shaved head.  And you’d totally want to do him, cuz he’s so freaking cool.
• Stephen Chow – Um… “Shaolin Soccer“… every heard of it?  Hello?
• Diana Pang – Mrowr [1].

North Korean Cheerleaders

While I’m at it, and not that it has anything whatsoever to do with what I’m talking about, why doesn’t soccer have cheerleaders?  Wouldn’t it make the sport even more awesome?  Can you imagine how sweet a hooligan cheerleader fight would be with all the mud, pom poms, and broken teeth?  Anyway, to sorta bring this back to the topic at hand, can you imagine what the North Korean cheerleading team might look like?  My money would definitely be on them to beat the crap out of all the other cheerleader hooligans.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  I’m not watching the World Cup because I’m a ‘Murican, and ‘Muricans don’t like stuff that’s cooler than our stuff.  The end.

[1] Diana Pang = mrowr.  See right.

Comrades, feast your Vulcan squinties on this sparkly bastard!  Available for a limited time, in a limited test run, in a limited joint venture between The Belgian Mint, The Kremlin, and The QVC, we present to you the “United Future World Currency!”  The UFWC is minted in Brilliant Uncirculated .999 pure Gold-Pressed Latinum, and is available now, to you, our home viewers, for the low-low-low price of just 666 installments of $99,999.95!

Just think of the world peace… of MIND… you’ll be carrying in your pocket!

At long last, we God-fearing American folks have a common currency to link us together with our fellow peace-loving brethren and sistren in the ginormous world family that is North Korea [1], Iran, Rwanda, Sudan, Cuba, and many, many other failed experimental socialist welfare states in Europe [2] and Asia [3]!

Not only is the name not ridiculous at all, this coin is guaranteed [4] to erase all guns, bombs, ninja throwing stars, nuclear power, war, crime, oil, the combustion engine, global warming and/or cooling and/or staying the same, poverty, starvation, blight, drought, hatred, genocide, racism, fascism, prism schism, cultural and linguistic differences, slavery, everything interesting, and the radical extermination of liberty everywhere!

Just think!  No more funny languages to learn in high school!  Learning is hard, right kids?  And what’s with all that crazy-looking money from other countries?  Say goodbye, colorful designs!

But wait!  That’s not all!  No need to fear, white people!  We haven’t forgotten about you!  Everything on the coin is written in splendid English, the language of hygiene and tomorrow!

HOORAY!  ¡Hurra!  Yaşasın!  Hoan hô!  УРА!  만세!  الصيحة!  萬歲!  הידד!  やったー！

Don’t worry… we promise [5] you won’t confuse these damn things with the pile of Sacagawea dollars you already have lying at the bottom of your piggy bank.

1. Technically, North Korea will not be playing.  This is purely the fault of the Imperialist American government and its South Korean puppets.  친애하는 지도자는 당신을 사랑.
2. Or failing.  Failed:  Greece.  Failing:  France, Great Britain, Portugal, California, et al.  Don’t mind Europe… We here in the Good Ol’ US of A, with our Good Ol’ ‘Murican know-how, can do it right!  We won’t fail like every other socialist nation and state on the planet already has!  USA!  USA!
3. Except China.  They seem to be doing pretty well.  Totalitarian control, child slave labor, sweatshops, WalMart, and owning 73% of the United States doesn’t hurt.
4. Not really.
5. Not really.

Creepy much?

Just about everyone I know has been asking the same question lately:  “Huh?  ‘Karate’ Kid?  Shouldn’t it be ‘Kung Fu’ Kid?”

With the massive ecological disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, controversy over illegal immigration, high unemployment, the still-tanking world economy, collapsing European nations, growing government bureaucracy, multiple wars, poverty, starvation, and Lindsey Lohan, America is getting bored and needs something real to worry about.  Enter “The Karate Kid.”

Why “Karate” instead of “Kung Fu?”  It’s obvious that it was done for brand name recognition.  Hollywood normally presumes that most Americans is even stupider than they is, and don’t want to bewilder the monkeys.  Can you imagine the confusion over naming a remake of “The Dukes of Hazzard” something like “Them Crazy Rednecks?”  What would’ve happened had the writers of “The A Team” remake not inserted the line “… this Alpha Unit, or ‘A-Team’” so that the viewing public wouldn’t get uneasy with all that jargony Army stuff?

I wouldn’t be surprised if the makers of “The Karate Kid,” hip to the throngs of people asking why it isn’t “The Kung Fu Kid,” didn’t throw in some dialogue to placate the herd:

• Fresh Prince, Jr.: “Hey, you’re just like Mr. Miyagi, and I’m like the Karate Kid.”
• Jackie Chan:  “No.  Not Karate.  Kung Fu.  See, Karate comes from Okinawa.  The Japanese later adopted, Japanized, and spread the art through the world, but it’s originally an Okinawan art (which, by the way, originally came from China).  Kung Fu means ‘hard work’ in Chinese, and it is a Chinese art.  I am Chinese.  I speak Chinese.  We are filming in China.  Do you understand the words that are coming outta my mouth?”
• FPJ: “Whatever, man…  you crazy.”

Or something like that.

Here’s a history/language lesson for those who give a crap:

Karate was originally developed in Okinawa, but has strong Chinese roots.  In fact, the Chinese characters originally used to write it are 唐手, which means “China (T’ang Dynasty) Hand.”  (Interestingly, the Koreans still use this nomenclature in the form of Tang Soo Do – 唐手道 – way of the China Hand.)  In most areas in Okinawa, the art was often referred to by the name of the region in which it was practiced, e.g. Naha-Hand, Shuri-Hand, etc.  After Funakoshi Gichin brought the art to Japan, the Japanese said, “Uh… yeah… we’re not comfortable with all that ‘China’ stuff, so if you could just go ahead and change that first character, that’d be great, mmmkay?”  So, it was decided that they (the Japanese) would use another character which was (and still is) also pronounced ‘kara.’  Enter 空手 (empty hand).

Kung Fu is written 功夫 in Chinese, and basically means something like “skill earned through hard work.”  I like to think that this name actually originated from a joke.  Imagine some white tourists shlepping around the Chinese countryside, when they happen upon some monks training in the fields.  One corpulent tourist asks the tour guide, “Hey… what’s that stuff?”  The tour guide replies, “Kung Fu (snicker).”  The tourist is so pleased with his new knowledge, that he fails the notice the tour guide elbowing the bus driver in the ribs, saying, “Did you hear that?  I told him it was ‘hard work.’  Now he thinks that’s what the art is called!  BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA…”

Wushu is more likely what they’re doing in the movie (just speculation, as I haven’t seen it yet.)  This is where things get weird.  Wushu is written 武術 in Chinese.  (In Japanese, that word is pronounced Bujutsu.)  Wushu literally means “martial art,” but is more often used today to describe the showy, gymnastic-y, flashy stuff that came about after the Communists killed off, or drove into exile, all the truly powerful Chinese martial artists, only to later realize that they needed something culturally uniquely Chinese in nature to show the world how awesome they are.  In China, Wushu is for showing off athleticism.  In Japan, Bujutsu describes the “old school” combat systems.

I blame Mao.

I rather enjoy watching military-related programs like NCIS and pretty much any action/spy movies with a high SBU factor.  In other words, pretty much anything with Matt Damon beating the holy living shit out of someone with bad-ass Krav Maga moves.  I swear I’m not gay, but I’d consider taking his Bourne Ultimatum into my Green Zone… if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, listen… while I have your attention, I have one request.  Please stop making your actors explain acronyms.  Seriously.  It makes you sound retarded and makes us feel like you think we’re retarded.

For example:

• Mel Gibson:  “Oh noes!  It’s the NSA!”
• Random Douchebag:  “You mean the National Security Agency???”
• Mel Gibson:  (Stares blankly at Random Douchebag.)
• Random Douchebag:  (Stares blankly back at Mel Gibson.)
• Mel Gibson:  “No, dumbfuck.  I mean ‘Noodle Slurpers of Armenia.’  Did your parents drop you on your head straight into a pile of yak shit when you were a baby?”

How about another:

• LL Cool J:  “Looks like our dead Marine was former EOD in Iraq.”
• Random Douchebag: (Knowing nod) “Explosive Ordinance Disposal.”
• LL Cool J:  “Look… how’d you like me to shove this block of C4 up your urethra and blow it up remotely via an unnecessarily elaborate cell-phone-based detonation process?”
• Random Douchebag: (Pauses) “You said ‘blow’…”
• LL Cool J: (boom)

I think you get the idea.

Seriously, stop it.  The bottom line is that we, your mind-numbed viewing public, are not stupid.  At least, not as stupid as you are.  Many of us have actually done some of the things your actors are pretending to do on screen.  Face it… if “the people” are too stupid to get it, they’re too stupid to watch your show.  They belong on E! watching the Kardashians (Armenian reference #2) wax their forearms.  You don’t need them.  You don’t want them.

That is all.  Thank you for your service to our country.  USA!!!  USA!!!  (Not the channel.)

The names have been released, so let’s take a look at who we have to look forward to seeing this year:

Pamela Anderson
“Actress”
Age: 42

One word:  “ew.”  Seriously?  Pamela Anderson?  Am I the only man in this country who isn’t turned on by plastic and peroxide?  Even if she were ever “hot,” that had to be at least 30 years ago. This is why the terrorists really hate us, folks.

Erin Andrews
ESPN Reporter Babe
Age:  18 (butt) / 31 (everything else)

I don’t watch sports.  At all.  So I have no idea who Ms. Andrews is.  That said, she has my attention.  I tried finding a picture of her face on the internet, but it seems that the only photos out there are of her butt.

Shannen Doherty
Actress
Age: 38

Oh, come on… you’re only doing this because Jennie Garth did it first.  In all seriousness, I hope she blows a gasket and picks a fight with Niecy Nash.  I wouldn’t pay to see it, but I’d be willing to TiVo it and skip over the commercials to watch it.

Niecy Nash
Actress
Age: 40

Go on with your bad self.

Nicole Scherzinger
“Singer”
Age: 31

I have no idea which one she is, but I’m sure she’s probably one of them.  Even if she’s the ugly one, I’ll probably still watch.

Kate Gosselin
Reality TV personality / Baby Factory
Age: 34

Don’t they make a cute couple?  I’m really pulling for them.  I bet their babies would be cute.

There are apparently a bunch of guys on the list, too, but… [yawn]

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Child actor and noted gollum Gary Coleman was arrested in his Utah home on charges related to domestic violence.

Waitaminute… UTAH?  Seriously?  Wow.  I’d never have seen that coming.  UTAH???

Still… it would’ve been so much cooler if he’d been arrested for murder or something really sick and brutal like tax sodomy or serial douchebaggery.

I can almost hear the lyrics to the Diff’rent Strokes theme song now…

Hey, man... you gonna bogart that whole thing?

Oh, Elders, fleet and strong and wise, appear before my seeking eyes!  Why have you ruined my childhood?

On a whim of misplaced nostalgia, I decided to watch the old “Shazam!” TV show from the 1970s.  When I watched it as a kid 30-some years ago, it was cool as hell.

Holy Moley, What The Frack happened?  The show sure sucks a lot more than I remembered it sucking in the 70s!   It’s predictable, formulaic, preachy, cheesy, obvious, and just plain awful.  No wonder humanity is screwed.  My generation was brought up on this crap!

I used to think that this show was the best.  Billy Batson was just a normal punky little pipsqueak (as was I)… wearing the same clothes every day, living out of an RV with a creepy old guy, and talking to cartoons (as did I).  But all he had to do was yell “Shazam!” and he turned into a superhero… tall and muscled, with chiseled good looks and great 70s hair, able to fly, and old enough to buy beer without being carded (which would explain Captain Marvel’s slurred speech).

Remember back in the 70s when TV music was just TV music?  Well, now you can’t hear it without imagining some half-clothed pizza delivery guy showing up at a lady’s house asking, “Did someone order a pizza?”  Juxtapose that with the image of an underage boy traveling the country in an RV with an old guy, and things start feeling sticky.  And what’s with calling the old guy “Mentor?”  I can’t imagine anything that could possibly creep me out more.  “Hey there, musssssscley armssss…”

Batman had a kickass car.  Wonder Woman had an invisible plane.  Captain Marvel had a shitty, beat-up RV with a “Shazam” sticker pasted on the front.  What a ripoff.

The best part of every episode was the smug post-rescue lecture.  Didn’t pretty much every 70s Saturday morning kids show end with getting chewed out by some superhero, cartoon Army guy, or anthropomorphized vehicle?  “Hey kids… Speed Buggy says ‘Don’t be a Douchebag!’”  Oh, and all the meddling.  Ah, the joys of meddling in the affairs of others.  Have you noticed that there hasn’t been much “meddling” going on since the 70s?  What’s up with that?

Finally, let’s address the so-called “Elders.”  Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Solomon.  Wait… SOLOMON?  Greek Gods (albeit, Hercules’ name in Greek is actually Heracles), a sorta-demi-god warrior, and a former King of Israel?  I don’t get it.  Weren’t any of the Greek gods super-smart?  And while I’m at it… if the “Elders” were really all that badass, why did they have to call Billy on that crappy Rubik’s Cute/LiteBrite thingy?

Oh, mighty Isis… nothing makes sense anymore.

This is definitely not Zack Marcotte. As I was unable to find a photo of him, I instead chose a cute picture of a monkey with a yummy banana. I hope he doesn't mind. Zack Marcotte is probably not a monkey.

In response to my insightful editorial on the universally-acknowledged evil that is the Black Eye Peas, astute Wisconsin reader Zack Marcotte writes:

“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU DIPSHIT!  YOU CAN’T TELL PEOPLE WHAT MUSIC TO LISTEN TO, I FOR ONE THINK THE BLACK EYED PEAS HAVE VERY GOOD MUSIC! SO STOP TRYING TO PUT YOUR LAME ASS FOOT DOWN ON MUSIC YOU HYPOCRITICAL SACK OF SHIT!”

Zack, thank you for your delightful missive.  And thank you also for the lone comma.  While it should have technically been a period, I still give you points for effort, and I applaud the River Ridge High School English department for trying.  Now, with your permission, I’d like to address some of your concerns.

As far as my “problem” goes, I assure you that I have more than one.  (But perhaps the “S” key on your typewriter started sticking around the same time that your caps lock key broke.  Devoid of proof of either case, I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you meant to type “problemS.”  Maybe even with a  trendy final “Z.”)

Anyhoo, I digress.  Back to my problem(s).  For starters, I am somewhat lactose intolerant.  This means that too much dairy gives me diarrhea.  But I don’t let that stop me, if you know what I mean (and I’m sure you do).  When I get the runs, it can turn the air for 20 feet in all directions into something slightly less than pleasant.  This kinda makes it hard for me to get a date.  I can see that you don’t have the same problem, because your girlfriend Renee would probably have told you by now.  She seems like an honest gal.  Anyway, because of my little problem, I wouldn’t last a minute in your home state of Wisconsin, where cheese is the official state bird and incest tickles.  I’m also a bit short for my height, and I am unable to read German backwards while wearing a wetsuit.  I’m sure you get the idea.

As for both my foot and ass being lame… well, that’s just a low blow.  I know you had no way of knowing about this, but both my foot and ass were shot off in the Boer War, leaving me with a pronounced lisp.  I think that personal attacks like this just cheapen us both, Zack.  I sure hope that you love America as much as I do, Zack.  I sure hope that “Zack Marcotte hates America” is an untruthful statement.  I know I would never suggest such a blasphemous lie, and I hope you would, too.

My intent was not to tell “people” what music to listen to, but rather to tell “Black Eye Peas fans” that their choice in music is hurtful and that they are to blame for the current economic downturn and climate change.  You don’t hate polar bears, do you Zack?  I certainly hope not.  At any rate, I apologize if my meaning was unclear.  In fact, if I in any way used the word “music” to refer to the Black Eye Peas, I wish to formally apologize publicly, wholeheartedly, and hyperbolically.

As for me being “hypocritical,” well… mea culpa.  You caught me red-handed.  I am, indeed, a huge hypocrite.  In fact, I have every song the Black Eye Peas have ever recorded.  I didn’t buy any of them, of course, but downloaded them illegally from The Napster.  (I’m just kidding.  I would never own any of their music in any format, legally-obtained or purloined.  I am sorry for lying.)

In closing, I pray that you and your five Facebook friends (Bret, Jelena, Stephanie, Tyler, and the aforementioned Renee) can somehow find it in your collective heart to forgive me.  Thanks for reading, and keep coming back!  Without readers like you, we wouldn’t have readers like you.  Love ya, buddy.

All true auctioneers must have 5 things:

1. cowboy hat (covers up massive head and bald spot)
2. gavel (for whackin’ so drunk rednecks know when to stop yelping)
3. severe stuttering problem (haaaaa-m’na, ha-m’na, ha-m’na, ha-m’na, SOLD to the drunk redneck in the cowboy hat!)
4. body odor
5. deviated septum

This brings me to another point: I’ve only seen auctioneers when they’re auctioneerin’. Or have I?

Hypothetically, if an auctioneer weren’t in auctioneer mode, he might not creep me out so much.  But I’m not really sure, as I’ve never seen one that wasn’t in auctioneer mode.  At least, I don’t think so.  Then again, how would I know?  And if he isn’t auctioneerin’, is he still an auctioneer?

Holy crap, I am seriously freaked out right now.