On your recent episode of “Penn’s Sunday School,” you admonished us, your listeners, to reach out and contact our heroes while they are still able to answer (my words, not yours). Since my séance machine is in the shop, I figured that I’d better do it while you’re still alive and kicking. After all, one never knows when skin-skin might invade brain-skin, right?

So here I am. Reaching out.

I’m a 42 year old military veteran, language nerd (I’ve studied English, French, Russian, Japanese, and Mandarin Chinese), martial artist, musician, and a bit of a hack songwriter/poet when the muse visits. I was born in Iowa, have lived in Japan for a lengthy period, and am now a resident of Phoenix, AZ, where I’m finishing my MA in Applied Linguistics at Arizona State University. My thesis is literally (literally-literally, as opposed to the pseudo-vernacular figuratively-literally) on the use of farts and poop as metaphor in children’s cartoons/literature in Japanese.

I’m not an atheist, but I’m also not a textbook theist, either. In fact, I’ve been called a Zen Christian by some folks. (I’m still trying to figure out what that means.) Ultimately, I’m a lowercase-L libertarian, and believe pretty firmly in live-and-let-live.

I’ve enjoyed your many appearances on TV and, especially, on Adam Carolla’s podcast. Needless to say, when I learned that you’d be doing your own weekly podcast, I subscribed hyperbolically instantly.

I’d love to see your Vegas show someday, and perhaps even meet you. Once I finish grad school (provided I don’t continue on to torture myself with PhD studies), time and money should open up a little bit and allow me to make the arduous 30 minute flight from Sky Harbor to McCarran.

If you’re ever in the Phoenix area, I’d love to show you my favorite places to eat and have some great conversations with you.

Regards,

Michael Hacker

PS: Although I’m sure The Internet (insert ominous music here) has already spanked your tushie for misattributing the quote “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” to Plato (other sources attribute it to Philo of Alexandria), being the information junkie that you are, I figured you’d want to know that there are dueling attributions out there.

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With the timely demise of his father, Kim Jong-un has been suddenly thrust into North Korea’s only working spotlight.  Jong-un is the youngest son of the recently croaked Kim Jong-il and annointed successor to the family trailer park throne.

He’s also a four-star general in the DPRK Army, Deputy Chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Workers’ Party, and a member of the Central Committee.  And he isn’t even 30 yet.  Kinda makes you feel like a slacker, doesn’t it?  (Yes, I’m talking to you, Ryan Reynolds.)

Kim Jong-un probably tortures more political prisoners before 5am than you do all day.

Rumor has it that the official nickname for the presumptive pudgy potentate, lovingly pre-shoved down the throats of his doting minions, will be “The Brilliant Comrade.”  While it does have a certain old-world communism-y ring to it, I’d like to offer a few humble suggestions of my own:

• Dear Leader 2: Electric Boogaloo (The 김정은 Edition)!
• The Beer Leader
• Korean Peter Griffin
• Kungdungi Punim
• My Little Dictator
• Generalissimo James Franco
• Penis Potato Head
• Kim Jong-Kardashian
• Everybody Pyongyang Chung Tonight
• buh…
• Soft Kitty
• Kim Jor-El
• The Pasta King of Hoboken

and… my personal favorite…

• Lady Gogi

Out with the old, in with the new old.  All he needs is the ajumma fro and a pair of Elvis’ old sunglasses, and he’ll be ready to rule.  감사합니다.  정말 감사합니다.

If you have your own ideas for nicknames for our new pal, please leave them in the comments section below (not on Facebook or Twitter, chucklehut).  The world awaits.

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Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  My take on the current GOP candidates.

Michele Bachmann

All I can say about Michele Bachmann is that Crazy and Ignorant do not mix.  (Or maybe they do… if you are also Crazy and Ignorant.)  I don’t say this to disparage Ms. Bachmann personally.  I actually believe she may be a little Crazy.  Certainly, she’s Ignorant.  Neither of those alone is necessarily a bad thing.  But when you have the national spotlight, coupled with millions (if not hundreds of trillions) of people in this country who are dissatisfied with the current situation, this becomes potentially dangerous.  Add to that the fact that many of these upset people are also Crazy and Ignorant, and you’ve got the fixin’s for a Massive Goulash of Destruction.

Pandering to fear and paranoia is never a lost art.

When she uses her Ignorant brain to push Crazy thoughts out of her mouth-hole, some people actually listen and think she makes sense.  This alone should scare the shit out of you.  At least, with Palin not running, Bachmann has cornered the market on the sought-after Crazy and Ignorant, Yet Still Doable Vote.

Herman Cain

I like some things about Herman Cain.  I like that he succeeded on his own and seems to believe that if he can, so can you.  I like that he doesn’t blame our problems on others, but on us.  I generally tend to agree.

I also like the fact that he, as a Conservative Black Guy™, really gets under the skin of the so-called tolerant leftists.  I find it interesting to watch how the mainstream media and left-wing in this country treat him.  (It actually doesn’t seem all that much different from how they treated Candidate Obama in the early days.)

However, if you’re going to go around groping the ladies, Mr. Cain, you might want to take a lesson from president Clinton’s foibles.  Admit it.  Proudly.  Repeat after me, Mr. Cain:  “Hell yeah, I nailed that shawty.  She was droppin’ it like it’s hot, and I was all like…” (OK, I admit, I really don’t know how this slang is supposed to work.)

Wait, on second thought… I remember getting in trouble once at a Godfather’s Pizza.  Never mind… screw Cain.

 Newt Gingrich

Wait.  This guy again?  Wouldn’t electing Newt (giggle) be akin to the Russkies calling Putin out of “retirement?”  (Not for ideological reasons, but more for “this guy again?” reasons.)

Newt certainly isn’t Ignorant.  But I have to call into question the sanity of someone named Newton Leroy Gingrich thinking that going by “Newt” is somehow less creepy.  It’d be like someone named Dave Hapsburg calling himself  “Hap” or something.  (Apologies to Dave “Hap” Hapsburg if he’s out there.)

 Jon Huntsman

Who?

(Never trust a John who spells his name “Jon”)

[skipping over a bunch of people who don't have a snowdecahedron's chance in hell...]

Jimmy McMillan

Yessir.  The rent is too damn high.  (Unfortunately, I don’t rent, so this doesn’t really concern me.)

I’d elect this guy just to scare the living shit out of every other country on Earth that has ever looked as us cross-wise in a singles bar.

[skip, skip, skip...]

Ron Paul

I like Ron Paul.  I like much of what he says.  I like his consistency.  I like the fact that he has two first names and rugged elf-wizard good looks.  I especially like the fact that, despite winning (or placing near the top in) pretty much every damn staw poll he’s been in so far, the media literally (literally-literally, not figuratively-literally) just skips right the hell over him much like you skipped over the brainiac kid with zits and cooties when picking people to be on your dodgeball team in elementary school.

One thing I find really interesting is how much many on the right side of the aisle dislike Dr. Paul.  He’s a military veteran (flight surgeon in the USAF during the Vietnam War).  He’s so fiscally conservative, he makes even the staunchest Republican look like a drunken, spend-thrift fratboy (Bush, anyone?).  What could it be that they don’t like?  Hmmm… maybe the whole thing about not sending troops overseas to blow shit up and kill people unless we really need to?

Dr. Paul is particularly palatable to not only some people on the right, but also many on the left and in the middle.  I suspect this scares the the jeggings off the establishment.

Some on the left are uneasy over his stand on abortion.  C’mon folks… having a personal belief in something doesn’t necessarily mean that you must force it on others… right??  (See what I did there, lefties?)

Rick Perry

Seems like an asshole to me.  I wonder if he shouldn’t spell his name with a silent P.

Mitt Romney

Unlike Newt, Mitt is actually this guy’s real name.  Well, sorta.  It’s his middle name.  His first name is Willard.  That’s right.  Willard Mitt Romney.  Were this my name, I think I’d have gone for Wil (spelled with the single, hipster final “l”).

While Romney has claimed he would work to repeal the so-called Obamacare legislation, he has his own state-run healthcare hanging around his neck.  Gonna be kinda hard to take him seriously.  Plus there’s that whole supposed 30% of Republicans (evangelicals) won’t vote for a Mormon thing.

Rick Santorum

I think Rick Santorum should change his first name to something like “Flavius.”  Wouldn’t you vote for a guy named “Flavius Santorum?”  (I sure hope that doesn’t mean “braised pork ribs” in Latin.  On second thought, braised pork ribs are kinda awesome.)  I could totally see him taking the oath shirtless, wearing one of those Spartan skirt-thingies.  With a shield.  That. Would. Rock.  (If he’s going to do this, he should probably start doing crunches… just in case.)

Or maybe he could change it to “Sanctum.”  “Ladies and Gentlemen… President of the United States Sanctum Santorum.”  (Yes, folks, I know that it’s really called “Sanctum Sanctorum.  I’m not stupid.  But just in case you are, I feel the need to point out that this is humor, not accurate reporting.)

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“That’s all I have to say about that.” ~ Socrates

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BRAAAAAAINS...

Charlie Sheen has experienced a sort of spiritual epiphany as of late.  He is the topic of conversation everywhere you turn.  Overnight, seemingly by some sort of warlock magic, he became the undisputed champion of Twitter and Ustream.

Charlie Sheen is a modern zen master.  Charlie Sheen is a stealth fighter with switchblade eyeballs and grizzly bear jaws for testicles.  He runs on pure Tiger Blood, Jet Fuel, and Charlie Sheen.

He is Charlie Sheen.

I’ve collected a few of Charlie Sheen’s zen koan.  I follow each with my own questions and observations.

“I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.”

If it is actual Tiger Blood that makes Charlie Sheen the awesome warlock that he is, why are actual tigers relatively lame?  Are they genetically immune to the effects?

What if you die really awesomely, like… with a machete or something?  Does that still make you an amateur?

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Isn’t he worried about recursively overdosing on himself?  Does the Tiger’s Blood protect him from the effects of his own nested awesomeness?

Only a ninja can kill a ninja… but not even Charlie Sheen can kill Charlie Sheen.  That’s how powerful he is.  Injecting Charlie Sheen into your veins is the drug equivalent of looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant.

“It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary.”

If he’s so busy winning (which… duh… he obviously is…), how does he have time to actually put the wins in the record books?  Did he hire someone to do the monkey work for him?  Maybe he’s he a time lord.

“These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”

Charlie Sheen’s heart only has 3 chambers.  He didn’t need the extra chamber, so he ripped it out with his mind.

“I mean, what’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party man, it’s epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

Armless children are made of pure win as it is, but Charlie Sheen is better.  That’s how hard Charlie Sheen wins.

“I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.”

Is this an actual collection or just a metaphor?  Either way… win.

“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA.”

I’m guessing the Adonis DNA somehow chemically interacts with the Tiger Blood and recursive Charlie Sheen drug to eternally fuel his warlock powers.  This would definitely explain his invincibility.

“Duh, winning!”

Duh indeed.

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GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

It’s FIFA World Cup time again, and like all red-blooded ‘Muricans, I have been waiting in anticipation for each and every game of the World Cup so that I can ignore each and every game of the World Cup.

This is ‘Murica!  Who do we think we are now?  Part of the world?  You don’t see Brasil (they can’t even spell “Brazil” correctly) playing in the World Series, do you?  No!  That’s because we don’t need ‘em!  Just like the song says, “we are the world.”

Let’s face it.  We know that soccer is way cooler than our ‘Murican version of football.  If that weren’t bad enough, the entire rest of the planet has the gall to call soccer “football.” Let’s get something straight, planet.   We don’t care if your version of “football” is, like, way older than ours.  We’re ‘Muricans!  When we name something, we ‘spect it to stay named!  And don’t even get me started on your strangely-named games like “Australian Rules Football” and “Rugby,” both of which make ‘Murican football players (or “footballers” in worldy lingo) look like a bunch of pansies in PVC armor and spandex groping for each others Hacky Sacks whilst watching a special double feature of “Mamma Mia” and “Sex in the City 2″ in a dark movie theatre full of sailors.

Anyhoo, soccer sucks… blah, blah blah.

K-Jong-Dizzle and Posse

So, there I was, happily ignoring the World Cup, when I heard a story on the news about the ragtag team of North Koreans that really tugged at the ol’ 심장 strings.  Not the actual team, mind you.  By “team,” I mean the North Korean fans.  And by “North Korean fans,” I mean “Chinese actors hired by the North Korean government to pretend to be North Koreans because the North Korean government won’t let North Koreans out of North Korea for fear that they (North Koreans) might see how the rest of us live and have to go home (to North Korea) really, really bummed.”

What really gets me angry is that they hired unknowns.  Think of how awesome the World Cup could have been had they hired the following:

• Jackie Chan – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, while drunk, using improvised weapons like clay wine bottles and vuvuzelas, all while making comical faces and pretending to have hurt his fist after punching big guys in the face.
• Jet Li – totally would’ve ass whooped everyone, but looked like an angry bad-ass while doing it.  No weapons needed.  Just pure bad-assery.
• Chow Yun Fat – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, except with guns and a shaved head.  And you’d totally want to do him, cuz he’s so freaking cool.
• Stephen Chow – Um… “Shaolin Soccer“… every heard of it?  Hello?
• Diana Pang – Mrowr [1].

North Korean Cheerleaders

While I’m at it, and not that it has anything whatsoever to do with what I’m talking about, why doesn’t soccer have cheerleaders?  Wouldn’t it make the sport even more awesome?  Can you imagine how sweet a hooligan cheerleader fight would be with all the mud, pom poms, and broken teeth?  Anyway, to sorta bring this back to the topic at hand, can you imagine what the North Korean cheerleading team might look like?  My money would definitely be on them to beat the crap out of all the other cheerleader hooligans.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  I’m not watching the World Cup because I’m a ‘Murican, and ‘Muricans don’t like stuff that’s cooler than our stuff.  The end.

[1] Diana Pang = mrowr.  See right.

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Comrades, feast your Vulcan squinties on this sparkly bastard!  Available for a limited time, in a limited test run, in a limited joint venture between The Belgian Mint, The Kremlin, and The QVC, we present to you the “United Future World Currency!”  The UFWC is minted in Brilliant Uncirculated .999 pure Gold-Pressed Latinum, and is available now, to you, our home viewers, for the low-low-low price of just 666 installments of $99,999.95!

Just think of the world peace… of MIND… you’ll be carrying in your pocket!

At long last, we God-fearing American folks have a common currency to link us together with our fellow peace-loving brethren and sistren in the ginormous world family that is North Korea [1], Iran, Rwanda, Sudan, Cuba, and many, many other failed experimental socialist welfare states in Europe [2] and Asia [3]!

Not only is the name not ridiculous at all, this coin is guaranteed [4] to erase all guns, bombs, ninja throwing stars, nuclear power, war, crime, oil, the combustion engine, global warming and/or cooling and/or staying the same, poverty, starvation, blight, drought, hatred, genocide, racism, fascism, prism schism, cultural and linguistic differences, slavery, everything interesting, and the radical extermination of liberty everywhere!

Just think!  No more funny languages to learn in high school!  Learning is hard, right kids?  And what’s with all that crazy-looking money from other countries?  Say goodbye, colorful designs!

But wait!  That’s not all!  No need to fear, white people!  We haven’t forgotten about you!  Everything on the coin is written in splendid English, the language of hygiene and tomorrow!

HOORAY!  ¡Hurra!  Yaşasın!  Hoan hô!  УРА!  만세!  الصيحة!  萬歲!  הידד!  やったー！

Don’t worry… we promise [5] you won’t confuse these damn things with the pile of Sacagawea dollars you already have lying at the bottom of your piggy bank.

1. Technically, North Korea will not be playing.  This is purely the fault of the Imperialist American government and its South Korean puppets.  친애하는 지도자는 당신을 사랑.
2. Or failing.  Failed:  Greece.  Failing:  France, Great Britain, Portugal, California, et al.  Don’t mind Europe… We here in the Good Ol’ US of A, with our Good Ol’ ‘Murican know-how, can do it right!  We won’t fail like every other socialist nation and state on the planet already has!  USA!  USA!
3. Except China.  They seem to be doing pretty well.  Totalitarian control, child slave labor, sweatshops, WalMart, and owning 73% of the United States doesn’t hurt.
4. Not really.
5. Not really.

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Creepy much?

Just about everyone I know has been asking the same question lately:  “Huh?  ‘Karate’ Kid?  Shouldn’t it be ‘Kung Fu’ Kid?”

With the massive ecological disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, controversy over illegal immigration, high unemployment, the still-tanking world economy, collapsing European nations, growing government bureaucracy, multiple wars, poverty, starvation, and Lindsey Lohan, America is getting bored and needs something real to worry about.  Enter “The Karate Kid.”

Why “Karate” instead of “Kung Fu?”  It’s obvious that it was done for brand name recognition.  Hollywood normally presumes that most Americans is even stupider than they is, and don’t want to bewilder the monkeys.  Can you imagine the confusion over naming a remake of “The Dukes of Hazzard” something like “Them Crazy Rednecks?”  What would’ve happened had the writers of “The A Team” remake not inserted the line “… this Alpha Unit, or ‘A-Team’” so that the viewing public wouldn’t get uneasy with all that jargony Army stuff?

I wouldn’t be surprised if the makers of “The Karate Kid,” hip to the throngs of people asking why it isn’t “The Kung Fu Kid,” didn’t throw in some dialogue to placate the herd:

• Fresh Prince, Jr.: “Hey, you’re just like Mr. Miyagi, and I’m like the Karate Kid.”
• Jackie Chan:  “No.  Not Karate.  Kung Fu.  See, Karate comes from Okinawa.  The Japanese later adopted, Japanized, and spread the art through the world, but it’s originally an Okinawan art (which, by the way, originally came from China).  Kung Fu means ‘hard work’ in Chinese, and it is a Chinese art.  I am Chinese.  I speak Chinese.  We are filming in China.  Do you understand the words that are coming outta my mouth?”
• FPJ: “Whatever, man…  you crazy.”

Or something like that.

Here’s a history/language lesson for those who give a crap:

Karate was originally developed in Okinawa, but has strong Chinese roots.  In fact, the Chinese characters originally used to write it are 唐手, which means “China (T’ang Dynasty) Hand.”  (Interestingly, the Koreans still use this nomenclature in the form of Tang Soo Do – 唐手道 – way of the China Hand.)  In most areas in Okinawa, the art was often referred to by the name of the region in which it was practiced, e.g. Naha-Hand, Shuri-Hand, etc.  After Funakoshi Gichin brought the art to Japan, the Japanese said, “Uh… yeah… we’re not comfortable with all that ‘China’ stuff, so if you could just go ahead and change that first character, that’d be great, mmmkay?”  So, it was decided that they (the Japanese) would use another character which was (and still is) also pronounced ‘kara.’  Enter 空手 (empty hand).

Kung Fu is written 功夫 in Chinese, and basically means something like “skill earned through hard work.”  I like to think that this name actually originated from a joke.  Imagine some white tourists shlepping around the Chinese countryside, when they happen upon some monks training in the fields.  One corpulent tourist asks the tour guide, “Hey… what’s that stuff?”  The tour guide replies, “Kung Fu (snicker).”  The tourist is so pleased with his new knowledge, that he fails the notice the tour guide elbowing the bus driver in the ribs, saying, “Did you hear that?  I told him it was ‘hard work.’  Now he thinks that’s what the art is called!  BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA…”

Wushu is more likely what they’re doing in the movie (just speculation, as I haven’t seen it yet.)  This is where things get weird.  Wushu is written 武術 in Chinese.  (In Japanese, that word is pronounced Bujutsu.)  Wushu literally means “martial art,” but is more often used today to describe the showy, gymnastic-y, flashy stuff that came about after the Communists killed off, or drove into exile, all the truly powerful Chinese martial artists, only to later realize that they needed something culturally uniquely Chinese in nature to show the world how awesome they are.  In China, Wushu is for showing off athleticism.  In Japan, Bujutsu describes the “old school” combat systems.

I blame Mao.

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I rather enjoy watching military-related programs like NCIS and pretty much any action/spy movies with a high SBU factor.  In other words, pretty much anything with Matt Damon beating the holy living shit out of someone with bad-ass Krav Maga moves.  I swear I’m not gay, but I’d consider taking his Bourne Ultimatum into my Green Zone… if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, listen… while I have your attention, I have one request.  Please stop making your actors explain acronyms.  Seriously.  It makes you sound retarded and makes us feel like you think we’re retarded.

For example:

• Mel Gibson:  “Oh noes!  It’s the NSA!”
• Random Douchebag:  “You mean the National Security Agency???”
• Mel Gibson:  (Stares blankly at Random Douchebag.)
• Random Douchebag:  (Stares blankly back at Mel Gibson.)
• Mel Gibson:  “No, dumbfuck.  I mean ‘Noodle Slurpers of Armenia.’  Did your parents drop you on your head straight into a pile of yak shit when you were a baby?”

How about another:

• LL Cool J:  “Looks like our dead Marine was former EOD in Iraq.”
• Random Douchebag: (Knowing nod) “Explosive Ordinance Disposal.”
• LL Cool J:  “Look… how’d you like me to shove this block of C4 up your urethra and blow it up remotely via an unnecessarily elaborate cell-phone-based detonation process?”
• Random Douchebag: (Pauses) “You said ‘blow’…”
• LL Cool J: (boom)

I think you get the idea.

Seriously, stop it.  The bottom line is that we, your mind-numbed viewing public, are not stupid.  At least, not as stupid as you are.  Many of us have actually done some of the things your actors are pretending to do on screen.  Face it… if “the people” are too stupid to get it, they’re too stupid to watch your show.  They belong on E! watching the Kardashians (Armenian reference #2) wax their forearms.  You don’t need them.  You don’t want them.

That is all.  Thank you for your service to our country.  USA!!!  USA!!!  (Not the channel.)

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The names have been released, so let’s take a look at who we have to look forward to seeing this year:

Pamela Anderson
“Actress”
Age: 42

One word:  “ew.”  Seriously?  Pamela Anderson?  Am I the only man in this country who isn’t turned on by plastic and peroxide?  Even if she were ever “hot,” that had to be at least 30 years ago. This is why the terrorists really hate us, folks.

Erin Andrews
ESPN Reporter Babe
Age:  18 (butt) / 31 (everything else)

I don’t watch sports.  At all.  So I have no idea who Ms. Andrews is.  That said, she has my attention.  I tried finding a picture of her face on the internet, but it seems that the only photos out there are of her butt.

Shannen Doherty
Actress
Age: 38

Oh, come on… you’re only doing this because Jennie Garth did it first.  In all seriousness, I hope she blows a gasket and picks a fight with Niecy Nash.  I wouldn’t pay to see it, but I’d be willing to TiVo it and skip over the commercials to watch it.

Niecy Nash
Actress
Age: 40

Go on with your bad self.

Nicole Scherzinger
“Singer”
Age: 31

I have no idea which one she is, but I’m sure she’s probably one of them.  Even if she’s the ugly one, I’ll probably still watch.

Kate Gosselin
Reality TV personality / Baby Factory
Age: 34

Don’t they make a cute couple?  I’m really pulling for them.  I bet their babies would be cute.

There are apparently a bunch of guys on the list, too, but… [yawn]

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