GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

It’s FIFA World Cup time again, and like all red-blooded ‘Muricans, I have been waiting in anticipation for each and every game of the World Cup so that I can ignore each and every game of the World Cup.

This is ‘Murica!  Who do we think we are now?  Part of the world?  You don’t see Brasil (they can’t even spell “Brazil” correctly) playing in the World Series, do you?  No!  That’s because we don’t need ‘em!  Just like the song says, “we are the world.”

Let’s face it.  We know that soccer is way cooler than our ‘Murican version of football.  If that weren’t bad enough, the entire rest of the planet has the gall to call soccer “football.” Let’s get something straight, planet.   We don’t care if your version of “football” is, like, way older than ours.  We’re ‘Muricans!  When we name something, we ‘spect it to stay named!  And don’t even get me started on your strangely-named games like “Australian Rules Football” and “Rugby,” both of which make ‘Murican football players (or “footballers” in worldy lingo) look like a bunch of pansies in PVC armor and spandex groping for each others Hacky Sacks whilst watching a special double feature of “Mamma Mia” and “Sex in the City 2″ in a dark movie theatre full of sailors.

Anyhoo, soccer sucks… blah, blah blah.

K-Jong-Dizzle and Posse

So, there I was, happily ignoring the World Cup, when I heard a story on the news about the ragtag team of North Koreans that really tugged at the ol’ 심장 strings.  Not the actual team, mind you.  By “team,” I mean the North Korean fans.  And by “North Korean fans,” I mean “Chinese actors hired by the North Korean government to pretend to be North Koreans because the North Korean government won’t let North Koreans out of North Korea for fear that they (North Koreans) might see how the rest of us live and have to go home (to North Korea) really, really bummed.”

What really gets me angry is that they hired unknowns.  Think of how awesome the World Cup could have been had they hired the following:

• Jackie Chan – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, while drunk, using improvised weapons like clay wine bottles and vuvuzelas, all while making comical faces and pretending to have hurt his fist after punching big guys in the face.
• Jet Li – totally would’ve ass whooped everyone, but looked like an angry bad-ass while doing it.  No weapons needed.  Just pure bad-assery.
• Chow Yun Fat – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, except with guns and a shaved head.  And you’d totally want to do him, cuz he’s so freaking cool.
• Stephen Chow – Um… “Shaolin Soccer“… every heard of it?  Hello?
• Diana Pang – Mrowr [1].

North Korean Cheerleaders

While I’m at it, and not that it has anything whatsoever to do with what I’m talking about, why doesn’t soccer have cheerleaders?  Wouldn’t it make the sport even more awesome?  Can you imagine how sweet a hooligan cheerleader fight would be with all the mud, pom poms, and broken teeth?  Anyway, to sorta bring this back to the topic at hand, can you imagine what the North Korean cheerleading team might look like?  My money would definitely be on them to beat the crap out of all the other cheerleader hooligans.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  I’m not watching the World Cup because I’m a ‘Murican, and ‘Muricans don’t like stuff that’s cooler than our stuff.  The end.

[1] Diana Pang = mrowr.  See right.

Creepy much?

Just about everyone I know has been asking the same question lately:  “Huh?  ‘Karate’ Kid?  Shouldn’t it be ‘Kung Fu’ Kid?”

With the massive ecological disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, controversy over illegal immigration, high unemployment, the still-tanking world economy, collapsing European nations, growing government bureaucracy, multiple wars, poverty, starvation, and Lindsey Lohan, America is getting bored and needs something real to worry about.  Enter “The Karate Kid.”

Why “Karate” instead of “Kung Fu?”  It’s obvious that it was done for brand name recognition.  Hollywood normally presumes that most Americans is even stupider than they is, and don’t want to bewilder the monkeys.  Can you imagine the confusion over naming a remake of “The Dukes of Hazzard” something like “Them Crazy Rednecks?”  What would’ve happened had the writers of “The A Team” remake not inserted the line “… this Alpha Unit, or ‘A-Team’” so that the viewing public wouldn’t get uneasy with all that jargony Army stuff?

I wouldn’t be surprised if the makers of “The Karate Kid,” hip to the throngs of people asking why it isn’t “The Kung Fu Kid,” didn’t throw in some dialogue to placate the herd:

• Fresh Prince, Jr.: “Hey, you’re just like Mr. Miyagi, and I’m like the Karate Kid.”
• Jackie Chan:  “No.  Not Karate.  Kung Fu.  See, Karate comes from Okinawa.  The Japanese later adopted, Japanized, and spread the art through the world, but it’s originally an Okinawan art (which, by the way, originally came from China).  Kung Fu means ‘hard work’ in Chinese, and it is a Chinese art.  I am Chinese.  I speak Chinese.  We are filming in China.  Do you understand the words that are coming outta my mouth?”
• FPJ: “Whatever, man…  you crazy.”

Or something like that.

Here’s a history/language lesson for those who give a crap:

Karate was originally developed in Okinawa, but has strong Chinese roots.  In fact, the Chinese characters originally used to write it are 唐手, which means “China (T’ang Dynasty) Hand.”  (Interestingly, the Koreans still use this nomenclature in the form of Tang Soo Do – 唐手道 – way of the China Hand.)  In most areas in Okinawa, the art was often referred to by the name of the region in which it was practiced, e.g. Naha-Hand, Shuri-Hand, etc.  After Funakoshi Gichin brought the art to Japan, the Japanese said, “Uh… yeah… we’re not comfortable with all that ‘China’ stuff, so if you could just go ahead and change that first character, that’d be great, mmmkay?”  So, it was decided that they (the Japanese) would use another character which was (and still is) also pronounced ‘kara.’  Enter 空手 (empty hand).

Kung Fu is written 功夫 in Chinese, and basically means something like “skill earned through hard work.”  I like to think that this name actually originated from a joke.  Imagine some white tourists shlepping around the Chinese countryside, when they happen upon some monks training in the fields.  One corpulent tourist asks the tour guide, “Hey… what’s that stuff?”  The tour guide replies, “Kung Fu (snicker).”  The tourist is so pleased with his new knowledge, that he fails the notice the tour guide elbowing the bus driver in the ribs, saying, “Did you hear that?  I told him it was ‘hard work.’  Now he thinks that’s what the art is called!  BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA…”

Wushu is more likely what they’re doing in the movie (just speculation, as I haven’t seen it yet.)  This is where things get weird.  Wushu is written 武術 in Chinese.  (In Japanese, that word is pronounced Bujutsu.)  Wushu literally means “martial art,” but is more often used today to describe the showy, gymnastic-y, flashy stuff that came about after the Communists killed off, or drove into exile, all the truly powerful Chinese martial artists, only to later realize that they needed something culturally uniquely Chinese in nature to show the world how awesome they are.  In China, Wushu is for showing off athleticism.  In Japan, Bujutsu describes the “old school” combat systems.

I blame Mao.

So my question is… if it’s a secret nuclear submarine base…  I think you know where I’m going with this.  I won’t insult your intelligence.

TIA

[1] The Telegraph