GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

It’s FIFA World Cup time again, and like all red-blooded ‘Muricans, I have been waiting in anticipation for each and every game of the World Cup so that I can ignore each and every game of the World Cup.

This is ‘Murica!  Who do we think we are now?  Part of the world?  You don’t see Brasil (they can’t even spell “Brazil” correctly) playing in the World Series, do you?  No!  That’s because we don’t need ‘em!  Just like the song says, “we are the world.”

Let’s face it.  We know that soccer is way cooler than our ‘Murican version of football.  If that weren’t bad enough, the entire rest of the planet has the gall to call soccer “football.” Let’s get something straight, planet.   We don’t care if your version of “football” is, like, way older than ours.  We’re ‘Muricans!  When we name something, we ‘spect it to stay named!  And don’t even get me started on your strangely-named games like “Australian Rules Football” and “Rugby,” both of which make ‘Murican football players (or “footballers” in worldy lingo) look like a bunch of pansies in PVC armor and spandex groping for each others Hacky Sacks whilst watching a special double feature of “Mamma Mia” and “Sex in the City 2″ in a dark movie theatre full of sailors.

Anyhoo, soccer sucks… blah, blah blah.

K-Jong-Dizzle and Posse

So, there I was, happily ignoring the World Cup, when I heard a story on the news about the ragtag team of North Koreans that really tugged at the ol’ 심장 strings.  Not the actual team, mind you.  By “team,” I mean the North Korean fans.  And by “North Korean fans,” I mean “Chinese actors hired by the North Korean government to pretend to be North Koreans because the North Korean government won’t let North Koreans out of North Korea for fear that they (North Koreans) might see how the rest of us live and have to go home (to North Korea) really, really bummed.”

What really gets me angry is that they hired unknowns.  Think of how awesome the World Cup could have been had they hired the following:

• Jackie Chan – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, while drunk, using improvised weapons like clay wine bottles and vuvuzelas, all while making comical faces and pretending to have hurt his fist after punching big guys in the face.
• Jet Li – totally would’ve ass whooped everyone, but looked like an angry bad-ass while doing it.  No weapons needed.  Just pure bad-assery.
• Chow Yun Fat – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, except with guns and a shaved head.  And you’d totally want to do him, cuz he’s so freaking cool.
• Stephen Chow – Um… “Shaolin Soccer“… every heard of it?  Hello?
• Diana Pang – Mrowr [1].

North Korean Cheerleaders

While I’m at it, and not that it has anything whatsoever to do with what I’m talking about, why doesn’t soccer have cheerleaders?  Wouldn’t it make the sport even more awesome?  Can you imagine how sweet a hooligan cheerleader fight would be with all the mud, pom poms, and broken teeth?  Anyway, to sorta bring this back to the topic at hand, can you imagine what the North Korean cheerleading team might look like?  My money would definitely be on them to beat the crap out of all the other cheerleader hooligans.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  I’m not watching the World Cup because I’m a ‘Murican, and ‘Muricans don’t like stuff that’s cooler than our stuff.  The end.

[1] Diana Pang = mrowr.  See right.

I’m not talking about Grapes of Wrath Good Ol’ Days.  I’m talking about some serious Hardline Soviet Union-style Communism good ol’ days.

While those happy, carefree days may be gone forever [cough], fear not… there are still ways to get your fix.  Much like hitting the roller rink for a couple skate to the strains of “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” can take the edge off the ol’ 80s nostalgia, the interwebs are a great place to sate one’s craving for down home hardline commie propaganda.

One of my favorites is the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK.  For those not hip with the lingo, DPRK = “Democratic” People’s Republic of Korea (aka North Korea, aka Wacko-Land).  Here are a few blurbs I thought were particularly nice, followed by my Capitalist Pig Retorts.

Kim Yong Nam, president of the Presidium of the DPRK Supreme People’s Assembly, met and had a friendly talk with Koitsiro Matsuura…

• Koreans are not friendly.  Remain vigilant.

Working people are enjoying their holidays in sanatoria and rest homes built in scenic spots of the DPRK.

• Happiness and enjoyment are a crime against The State and will not be tolerated.

Sixty-three years have elapsed since the U.S. imperialists occupied south Korea in September 1945.

• This is perfectly reasonable.  Plus, don’t you just love how they still call the U.S. “imperialist?”  It’s so 1946!  Can you smell the nostalgia?

The United States must withdraw its forces from south Korea at once, putting an end to the history of crimes in which it has only imposed misfortunes and sufferings on the south Koreans.

Misfortunes and sufferings such as:

• Food
• Freedom
• Shelter
• Medicine
• Electricity
• Stone Temple Pilots
• The pleasures of driving in Seoul traffic
• Hot and cold running (and I do mean “running”) dysentery
• A slightly lower chance of being kungdungi-humped to death by Kim Jong Il

Some days ago, the chief executive of Japan met with the U.S. president and promised that Japan’s Maritime “Self-Defence Force” would carry on its refueling action in the Indian Ocean.

• Come on… putting “Self-Defence Force” in quotes?  That’s awfully petty and just downright passive-aggressive.  Sarcasm does not become you, DPRK.

Have you ever dreamt of vacationing in beautiful North Korea?  Perhaps you’ve fantasized about 4 sensuous days and nights in the French Riviera of the Asian Communist Dictatorship World, scenic Pyongyang?  If this sounds like you, surf on over to the Official Website of the DPRK and don’t forget to pack your forged Canadian passport!