• 7,140   pounds on the Sun
• 97   pounds on Mercury or Mars
• 255   pounds on Earth
• 232   pounds on Venus or Uranus
• 43   pounds on the Moon
• 648   pounds on Jupiter
• 275   pounds on Saturn
• 303   pounds on Neptune
• 13   pounds on Pluto

Shamelessly stolen from IRC @ work.

– President George W. Bush on the Russian invasion of Georgia in August 2008

I’m off to go cry now.

Several people have asked me why I’m doing this, and I couldn’t come up with a good answer. So, I did what I always do… I retired to my mountain-top cave to meditate. After spending what seemed like minutes buried in deep thought, I believe that I may finally have boiled it down to the following three reasons:

1. It’s good for my body. It’s a helluva work out for the arms, shoulders, and abs, and should serve me well on my path toward attaining hotness.
2. It’s difficult. I need something that is difficult… something to challenge me. Many things come rather easy to me… languages… then there’s… ummm… there’s… languages… Anyway, my point is that I needed a challenge in an area that was actually challenging to me.
3. I don’t want to do it. What better reason could I possibly have for doing this? The very fact that I don’t want to do it, but am still doing it anyway, shows that I’m on the road to inculcating myself with more self-discipline. Yay me.
4. There is no 4th reason.

As I keep telling other people… there’s only one way through it: through it.

10 x 2
8 x 1
6 x 1
max (15) x 1

Q.  Why am I doing this?

A.  How the hell should I know?  Why did I start doing yoga?  Why have I been eating better, exercising, and starting to face heretofore crippling fears?  I guess I just want to change who I am. I want to inculcate myself with a new self-image and more discipline.  I want to strengthen my core, shape my abs, lose weight, fix my shoulder problems, and start packing some sexy guns.

I want to be hot for a change.

I grew up scrawny and weak.  I barely weighed 140 lbs when I entered basic training at the age of 17.  At my peak weight, I cracked the scales at 250+ lbs.  Now, after altering my diet and increasing my activity level, I’ve managed to work my way back down to 225 lbs.  I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m on a path.

Q.  Why would I post something like this where the public-at-large can see it?

A.  Because I want you to hold me accountable.

Here’s how it works.  Today, I did their assessment test.  My total number of “good form” push ups was 20.  Since I’m under 40, this puts me nicely in the middle of rank 3 and establishes which training program I fit into.  In the coming weeks, I’ll post my results.  Once I reach 100 push ups, I’ll let you know.

Jimmy… I think there are some donuts in the other room.  Scamper.  Sarah… I’m addressing this directly to you.  Slide on over and let me drop some sexy on you…

You’re beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, sarcastic, and Jew-y.   What more could a guy want?  Why not try a regular guy for a change?  I know you’re hurting.  I know you like fat guys.  Plus, I look great in a kilt.  Go ahead… give me a call.  What could it hurt?

XOXOXO
Michael

source - [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedishrag/2008/07/sarah-silverman.html]

1.  Stop beating yourself up or I will do it for you.
2.  Quit worrying about what you imagine I or anyone else might think of you.
3.  Courage is NOT the absence of fear.  It is being scared shitless and doing it anyway.
4.  Shut the fuck up and DO IT.

After that, all that’s left is to risk, trust the process, and learn from it.  Failure, viewed and treated properly, is a great success.

Does anyone else have a problem with the above sign?

Let’s define our terms:  “Medium” is Small.  “Large” is Medium.  And “King” is WayTooFuckingBig.  Welcome to America.  Please roll thru.

Corporate America is brainlaundering us into believing that we are getting more value just because they have changed how their minimum wage slaves puke out words.  It doesn’t matter that a “small” (aka “medium”) meal is actually considered LARGE in Japan as it is…  Americans need VALUE.

I don’t know which is worse… that THEY are doing it or that WE let them get away with it.

Following is a typical exchange between myself and a nondescript anonymous drive-thru worker (translated from heavily-accented Spanglish into what I imagine is what they are actually saying):

• NADTW: Sir, may I take order?
• Me:  Yes, I’d like a cheeseburger.
• NADTW:  Would you like combo?
• Me:  Sure.
• NADTW:  What you like drink?
• Me:  Coke (really, I’d rather have Pepsi, but they never have it… so I lie).
• NADTW:  What size?
• Me:  Small.
• NADTW:  . . .
• Me:  . . .
• NADTW:  You mean medium?
• Me:  . . . No… I mean “small.”
• NADTW:  . . .
• Me:  . . .
• NADTW:  We no got small.  Only medium.
• Me:  . . .
• NADTW:  Hello?
• Me:  What is the smallest size you have?
• NADTW:  Medium.
• Me:  Is there anything smaller?
• NADTW:  No.
• Me:  You DO know that “medium” means “in the middle,” right?  If it’s the smallest drink, and there’s nothing smaller, how the hell can it possibly be in the middle?  In the middle of WHAT???
• NADTW:  . . .
• Me:  Nevermind.  Please don’t spit in my drink.
• NADTW:  [garbled] please drive thru

Corporate America isn’t the only criminal organization guilty of this.  Politicians are also rather deceitful and devious.  They can smile to your face while their confederates are jamming candy canes up your poop shoot.  At least when McDonald’s lies to us, it only kills us and robs us of our money slowly.  Politicians are significantly quicker with their thievomurdery.

Did anyone notice when “Global Warming” became “Climate Change?”  Was it right around the time that the data showing a 9 year COOLING trend came out?  Hmmm.  Ain’t it great to be able to twist language so that even when you’re wrong, you can still FEEL right?

Don’t even get me started on “Change.”  What change?  What is changing?  How?  Specifically?  By what authority?  I happen to think that much of the stuff in America is fantastic.  Start changing that, I might have to put a medium-sized boot up your ass.  And by “medium,” I DO mean “assrippingly gi-normous.”

And “Fairness Doctrine?”  How is it “fair” to force viewpoints on people by requiring private companies to bend to the will of whoever happens to be wielding the riding crop at the moment?

Words mean things, folks.  That’s why they’re in the dictionary.  Stop with the double-speak.  Enough of the lies.  Fuck passive-aggressiveness in its passive-aggressive booty-hole.  Open your mouth and say exactly what you think.  You can be nice about it; a certain degree of social lubrication is a good thing… just don’t slather it with butter and bullshit.    If we could just express ourselves more honestly with each other… imagine what we could accomplish!  Lawyers might even end up on the endangered species list!

In closing, I want to leave you with a few words from the late, great George Carlin:

The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people. Or they de-populate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call “sunshine units.” Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they?  Never mention that part of it.

RIP, Motherfucker.