My Take on the 2012 GOP Candidates

Perhaps you’ve been losing sleep wondering what I think about the current field of GOP candidates for the 2012 election. Perhaps this lack of sleep has degraded your health to the point where you have sought out experimental medical treatment in a back alley, resulting in your becoming a zombie. Well, munch brains no more, my friend.

Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  My take on the current GOP candidates.

Michele Bachmann

All I can say about Michele Bachmann is that Crazy and Ignorant do not mix.  (Or maybe they do… if you are also Crazy and Ignorant.)  I don’t say this to disparage Ms. Bachmann personally.  I actually believe she may be a little Crazy.  Certainly, she’s Ignorant.  Neither of those alone is necessarily a bad thing.  But when you have the national spotlight, coupled with millions (if not hundreds of trillions) of people in this country who are dissatisfied with the current situation, this becomes potentially dangerous.  Add to that the fact that many of these upset people are also Crazy and Ignorant, and you’ve got the fixin’s for a Massive Goulash of Destruction.

Pandering to fear and paranoia is never a lost art.

When she uses her Ignorant brain to push Crazy thoughts out of her mouth-hole, some people actually listen and think she makes sense.  This alone should scare the shit out of you.  At least, with Palin not running, Bachmann has cornered the market on the sought-after Crazy and Ignorant, Yet Still Doable Vote.

Herman Cain

I like some things about Herman Cain.  I like that he succeeded on his own and seems to believe that if he can, so can you.  I like that he doesn’t blame our problems on others, but on us.  I generally tend to agree.

I also like the fact that he, as a Conservative Black Guy™, really gets under the skin of the so-called tolerant leftists.  I find it interesting to watch how the mainstream media and left-wing in this country treat him.  (It actually doesn’t seem all that much different from how they treated Candidate Obama in the early days.)

However, if you’re going to go around groping the ladies, Mr. Cain, you might want to take a lesson from president Clinton’s foibles.  Admit it.  Proudly.  Repeat after me, Mr. Cain:  “Hell yeah, I nailed that shawty.  She was droppin’ it like it’s hot, and I was all like…” (OK, I admit, I really don’t know how this slang is supposed to work.)

Wait, on second thought… I remember getting in trouble once at a Godfather’s Pizza.  Never mind… screw Cain.

 Newt Gingrich

Wait.  This guy again?  Wouldn’t electing Newt (giggle) be akin to the Russkies calling Putin out of “retirement?”  (Not for ideological reasons, but more for “this guy again?” reasons.)

Newt certainly isn’t Ignorant.  But I have to call into question the sanity of someone named Newton Leroy Gingrich thinking that going by “Newt” is somehow less creepy.  It’d be like someone named Dave Hapsburg calling himself  “Hap” or something.  (Apologies to Dave “Hap” Hapsburg if he’s out there.)

 Jon Huntsman


(Never trust a John who spells his name “Jon”)

[skipping over a bunch of people who don’t have a snowdecahedron’s chance in hell…]

Jimmy McMillan

Yessir.  The rent is too damn high.  (Unfortunately, I don’t rent, so this doesn’t really concern me.)

I’d elect this guy just to scare the living shit out of every other country on Earth that has ever looked as us cross-wise in a singles bar.

[skip, skip, skip…]

Ron Paul

I like Ron Paul.  I like much of what he says.  I like his consistency.  I like the fact that he has two first names and rugged elf-wizard good looks.  I especially like the fact that, despite winning (or placing near the top in) pretty much every damn staw poll he’s been in so far, the media literally (literally-literally, not figuratively-literally) just skips right the hell over him much like you skipped over the brainiac kid with zits and cooties when picking people to be on your dodgeball team in elementary school.

One thing I find really interesting is how much many on the right side of the aisle dislike Dr. Paul.  He’s a military veteran (flight surgeon in the USAF during the Vietnam War).  He’s so fiscally conservative, he makes even the staunchest Republican look like a drunken, spend-thrift fratboy (Bush, anyone?).  What could it be that they don’t like?  Hmmm… maybe the whole thing about not sending troops overseas to blow shit up and kill people unless we really need to?

Dr. Paul is particularly palatable to not only some people on the right, but also many on the left and in the middle.  I suspect this scares the the jeggings off the establishment.

Some on the left are uneasy over his stand on abortion.  C’mon folks… having a personal belief in something doesn’t necessarily mean that you must force it on others… right??  (See what I did there, lefties?)

Rick Perry

Seems like an asshole to me.  I wonder if he shouldn’t spell his name with a silent P.

Mitt Romney

Unlike Newt, Mitt is actually this guy’s real name.  Well, sorta.  It’s his middle name.  His first name is Willard.  That’s right.  Willard Mitt Romney.  Were this my name, I think I’d have gone for Wil (spelled with the single, hipster final “l”).

While Romney has claimed he would work to repeal the so-called Obamacare legislation, he has his own state-run healthcare hanging around his neck.  Gonna be kinda hard to take him seriously.  Plus there’s that whole supposed 30% of Republicans (evangelicals) won’t vote for a Mormon thing.

Rick Santorum

I think Rick Santorum should change his first name to something like “Flavius.”  Wouldn’t you vote for a guy named “Flavius Santorum?”  (I sure hope that doesn’t mean “braised pork ribs” in Latin.  On second thought, braised pork ribs are kinda awesome.)  I could totally see him taking the oath shirtless, wearing one of those Spartan skirt-thingies.  With a shield.  That. Would. Rock.  (If he’s going to do this, he should probably start doing crunches… just in case.)

Or maybe he could change it to “Sanctum.”  “Ladies and Gentlemen… President of the United States Sanctum Santorum.”  (Yes, folks, I know that it’s really called “Sanctum Sanctorum.  I’m not stupid.  But just in case you are, I feel the need to point out that this is humor, not accurate reporting.)

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“That’s all I have to say about that.” ~ Socrates

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