HackerHaus

@BarackObama – Barack Obama

Claim to fame: TechPhony

Followers: 2,795,004

Sample Tweets: Irrelevant. He’s never used Twitter, despite duping millions into believing that he actually was using it.

@PerezHilton – Perez Hilton (aka Mario Armando Lavandeira)

Claim to fame: Drawing jizz on pictures of actual famous people / Celebutard

Followers: 1,650,587 (the irony that he has more followers than the person whose name he stole is not lost on me)

Sample Tweet: @MTV Do you still love me? Tell me you love me! Xoxo

@ParisHilton – Paris Hilton

Claim to fame: Rich Daddy / Extreme Vapidity

Followers: 1,098,079

Sample Tweet: That’s hot.

@spencerpratt – Spencer Pratt

Claim to fame:  Fame-seeking DoucheWhore

Followers: 668,566

Sample Tweet: All my haters should tune in to the tonight show at 11pm! You will love how I get booooed on Conan! It was legendary! Haha fame is SICK!

@officialTila – Tila Tequila (aka Tila Nguyen)

Claim to fame: Looks like a small Japanese boy with big fake boobies.

Followers: 266,333

Sample Tweet: & I know FOR A FACT that I’m the ONLY BITCH you’re scared of @perezhilton cuz you KNOW I have more balls, power & influence then u do!

Lighting: The light source goes in front of you, but behind the camera. Not behind you. Not in front of you and also in front of the camera. Put the damned light in front of you and behind the camera. Overhead lighting will work in a pinch, but only if it isn’t in frame, or so bright that it whites out everything. See, the way light works is that it has to bounce off of something, then back to our eyes, in order for us to see it clearly. How well can you see when you do the sun stare? Is this starting to make sense?

Hot chicks: First, on behalf of all mankind, thank you for your services. Now, on to my point. Before filming your next masterpiece, please double-check to make sure that there are no unrestrained dogs, cats, or boyfriends that might wander douchebaggily into the shot, thereby ruining my moment. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is.

Hot chick friends: If you have hot friends who want to join in, by all means… please invite them. Nothing inspires young teenage girls to pull out their best freaky circus Hannah Montana stripper moves like a little healthy competition for daddy’s attention. Exception: if your hot friend is a buzz-kill, please lock her in the bathroom for the remainder of the shoot. There is very little in this world that is worse that you doing something incredibly hot, then stopping to spend the next 5 minutes trying to convince your giggling simp of a friend to shake her ass for me.

Un-hot chick friends: Just don’t.

Editing: Do it. Nobody needs to see 5 minutes of you cleaning piles of Hello Kitty paraphernalia off your floor and giggling with your friends before you get down to shaking your booty for daddy. The walk of shame back up to the camera to turn it off may be left in if it’s particularly hot. Remember… editing is your friend (and mine).

Sound: We’re talking music and audio quality here. In all honesty, neither really matters, as I’m probably just going to mute it anyway. If, however your choice in music is absolutely vital to the experience, or if you are planning on moaning and calling out my name, please let me know in advance so I can plug in my earbuds.

Mise en scène: This is a cinematographic phrase of French origin that means “If you’re on the floor shaking your booty, please make sure that the camera is pointed at you.”

Choreography: A little time invested in planning out your routine is very welcome. This ties into mise en scène as well. If you are planning on dropping it like it’s hot, please make sure that your camera operator knows about this in advance and is capable of moving a camera properly to capture your art uninterrupted.

Camera operation: Never, ever turn your camera sideways, upside down, tilt it to a jaunty angle, move it around, or do anything similarly annoying that is likely to make me throw up in my lap. If I wanted to see sucky camera work, I’d turn on MTV. Holding the camera while running/dancing/prancing around is also discouraged. Remember… tripods are your friend.

Warm up: Always stretch out first.