08
Mar 10

#104995

Tonight, I shook the hand of one of the most amazing humans I’ve ever met in my life.

I finished a bit of work this afternoon and, with nothing better to do, decided to wander around.  On my way home, I stopped by Changing Hands Bookstore to look at their second-hand foreign language book collection as I am wont to do.  To my chagrin, there was a large crowd there to hear a speaker, and my language book section had, as usual, been relocated to some unknown location.  At first, I was a bit annoyed, but I’ve become accustomed to this happening when speakers were there.  As the speaker was introduced, my ears perked up.

I have been studying Third Reich history since I was a small boy.  But I had never met a survivor… until tonight.

Ernest W. Michel survived several Nazi concentration camps, including the death camp at Auschwitz.  He told us that shares his experiences, “not because I enjoy it… this is very hard for me.”  He shares because he has a responsibility to bear witness to what he had endured.

These were no stories from some history book.  These were the stirring words of a man openly sharing the most horrific experiences anyone can imagine.  This was a man sharing his life.  Ernest Michel’s words were open, honest, and searing.  His words were just as much a part of his flesh as the number 104995 on his left arm.

He shared personal stories from Kristallnacht, the camps, and of his escape.  He told us of writing down the names and numbers of the countless dead, and of carrying their bodies to their eventual destination: “up the chimney.”  He also talked about his involvement with the Nuremberg trials after the war, including meeting several famous reporters who were covering it for the various world news agencies, such as Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite.

One story that particularly struck me was of his meeting with Hermann Göring, formerly the 2nd most powerful man in the Third Reich.  Apparently, Göring had been reading Michel’s news articles in the German press.  Having heard that Michel was present at the trials, Göring asked if he would be willing to meet with him.  When Michel entered the cell of the former Reichsmarschall, Göring stood to greet him, offering his hand.  Michel refused to shake the hand of the top living Nazi, instead asking the guard to allow him to leave the cell.  The last thing he saw was Göring standing there, hand outstretched.

Mr. Michel openly fielded questions from the crowd, including those asked by two young boys.  Through a welcoming smile that did nothing to hide the seriousness of his words, he admonished them: “Learn, young man.  Learn history.”

Despite all he had been through, he told us that he cannot live with hate.

When my opportunity came to talk to Mr. Michel and ask him to sign my copy of his book “Promises Kept,” I reminded him of his Hermann Göring story.  He looked up.  I asked, “Would you do me the honor of shaking my hand?”  He smiled broadly and gave me a hearty, warm handshake.

Tonight, I shook the hand of the man who refused to shake the hand of Hermann Göring.  Tonight, I shook the hand of Ernest W. Michel, Auschwitz Survivor #104995.



02
Mar 10

Dancing With The Stars

Yes, folks… it’s that time again. Time for once-famous “celebrities” to strut their stuff on the dance floor in hopes of taking home the coveted prize: a 2nd chance at scraping together a bit of fame and cashing in before the last bits of self respect drip away.  Let’s hope nobody breaks a hip this year!

The names have been released, so let’s take a look at who we have to look forward to seeing this year:

Pamela Anderson
“Actress”
Age: 42

One word:  “ew.”  Seriously?  Pamela Anderson?  Am I the only man in this country who isn’t turned on by plastic and peroxide?  Even if she were ever “hot,” that had to be at least 30 years ago. This is why the terrorists really hate us, folks.


Erin Andrews
ESPN Reporter Babe
Age:  18 (butt) / 31 (everything else)

I don’t watch sports.  At all.  So I have no idea who Ms. Andrews is.  That said, she has my attention.  I tried finding a picture of her face on the internet, but it seems that the only photos out there are of her butt.


Shannen Doherty
Actress
Age: 38

Oh, come on… you’re only doing this because Jennie Garth did it first.  In all seriousness, I hope she blows a gasket and picks a fight with Niecy Nash.  I wouldn’t pay to see it, but I’d be willing to TiVo it and skip over the commercials to watch it.


Niecy Nash
Actress
Age: 40

Go on with your bad self.


Nicole Scherzinger
“Singer”
Age: 31

I have no idea which one she is, but I’m sure she’s probably one of them.  Even if she’s the ugly one, I’ll probably still watch.


Kate Gosselin
Reality TV personality / Baby Factory
Age: 34

Don’t they make a cute couple?  I’m really pulling for them.  I bet their babies would be cute.


There are apparently a bunch of guys on the list, too, but… [yawn]



01
Feb 10

FAWM

Are you FAWMing?

FAWM stands for February Album Writing Month. Each February, hundreds of people all over the world are spending the entire month writing, recording, and releasing music. The goal is to complete 14 songs by the end of the month. Given that February has only 28 days, that’s a new song every other day! But the real goal was probably stated best by Jack London: “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club!”

For more information, check out the FAWM website: http://fawm.org/


26
Jan 10

Diff’rent Strokes

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Child actor and noted gollum Gary Coleman was arrested in his Utah home on charges related to domestic violence.

Waitaminute… UTAH?  Seriously?  Wow.  I’d never have seen that coming.  UTAH???

Still… it would’ve been so much cooler if he’d been arrested for murder or something really sick and brutal like tax sodomy or serial douchebaggery.

I can almost hear the lyrics to the Diff’rent Strokes theme song now…


18
Jan 10

Ricky Gervais Rocks the Golden Globes

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05
Jan 10

Shazam!

shazam

Hey, man... you gonna bogart that whole thing?

Oh, Elders, fleet and strong and wise, appear before my seeking eyes!  Why have you ruined my childhood?

On a whim of misplaced nostalgia, I decided to watch the old “Shazam!” TV show from the 1970s.  When I watched it as a kid 30-some years ago, it was cool as hell.

Holy Moley, What The Frack happened?  The show sure sucks a lot more than I remembered it sucking in the 70s!   It’s predictable, formulaic, preachy, cheesy, obvious, and just plain awful.  No wonder humanity is screwed.  My generation was brought up on this crap!

I used to think that this show was the best.  Billy Batson was just a normal punky little pipsqueak (as was I)… wearing the same clothes every day, living out of an RV with a creepy old guy, and talking to cartoons (as did I).  But all he had to do was yell “Shazam!” and he turned into a superhero… tall and muscled, with chiseled good looks and great 70s hair, able to fly, and old enough to buy beer without being carded (which would explain Captain Marvel’s slurred speech).

Remember back in the 70s when TV music was just TV music?  Well, now you can’t hear it without imagining some half-clothed pizza delivery guy showing up at a lady’s house asking, “Did someone order a pizza?”  Juxtapose that with the image of an underage boy traveling the country in an RV with an old guy, and things start feeling sticky.  And what’s with calling the old guy “Mentor?”  I can’t imagine anything that could possibly creep me out more.  “Hey there, musssssscley armssss…”

Batman had a kickass car.  Wonder Woman had an invisible plane.  Captain Marvel had a shitty, beat-up RV with a “Shazam” sticker pasted on the front.  What a ripoff.

The best part of every episode was the smug post-rescue lecture.  Didn’t pretty much every 70s Saturday morning kids show end with getting chewed out by some superhero, cartoon Army guy, or anthropomorphized vehicle?  “Hey kids… Speed Buggy says ‘Don’t be a Douchebag!’”  Oh, and all the meddling.  Ah, the joys of meddling in the affairs of others.  Have you noticed that there hasn’t been much “meddling” going on since the 70s?  What’s up with that?

Finally, let’s address the so-called “Elders.”  Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Solomon.  Wait… SOLOMON?  Greek Gods (albeit, Hercules’ name in Greek is actually Heracles), a sorta-demi-god warrior, and a former King of Israel?  I don’t get it.  Weren’t any of the Greek gods super-smart?  And while I’m at it… if the “Elders” were really all that badass, why did they have to call Billy on that crappy Rubik’s Cute/LiteBrite thingy?

Oh, mighty Isis… nothing makes sense anymore.


31
Dec 09

Viewer Mail

This is definitely not Zack Marcotte. As I was unable to find a photo of him, I instead chose a cute picture of a monkey with a yummy banana. I hope you don't mind.  Zack Marcotte is probably not a monkey.

This is definitely not Zack Marcotte. As I was unable to find a photo of him, I instead chose a cute picture of a monkey with a yummy banana. I hope he doesn't mind. Zack Marcotte is probably not a monkey.

In response to my insightful editorial on the universally-acknowledged evil that is the Black Eye Peas, astute Wisconsin reader Zack Marcotte writes:

“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU DIPSHIT!  YOU CAN’T TELL PEOPLE WHAT MUSIC TO LISTEN TO, I FOR ONE THINK THE BLACK EYED PEAS HAVE VERY GOOD MUSIC! SO STOP TRYING TO PUT YOUR LAME ASS FOOT DOWN ON MUSIC YOU HYPOCRITICAL SACK OF SHIT!”

Zack, thank you for your delightful missive.  And thank you also for the lone comma.  While it should have technically been a period, I still give you points for effort, and I applaud the River Ridge High School English department for trying.  Now, with your permission, I’d like to address some of your concerns.

As far as my “problem” goes, I assure you that I have more than one.  (But perhaps the “S” key on your typewriter started sticking around the same time that your caps lock key broke.  Devoid of proof of either case, I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you meant to type “problemS.”  Maybe even with a  trendy final “Z.”)

reneeAnyhoo, I digress.  Back to my problem(s).  For starters, I am somewhat lactose intolerant.  This means that too much dairy gives me diarrhea.  But I don’t let that stop me, if you know what I mean (and I’m sure you do).  When I get the runs, it can turn the air for 20 feet in all directions into something slightly less than pleasant.  This kinda makes it hard for me to get a date.  I can see that you don’t have the same problem, because your girlfriend Renee would probably have told you by now.  She seems like an honest gal.  Anyway, because of my little problem, I wouldn’t last a minute in your home state of Wisconsin, where cheese is the official state bird and incest tickles.  I’m also a bit short for my height, and I am unable to read German backwards while wearing a wetsuit.  I’m sure you get the idea.

As for both my foot and ass being lame… well, that’s just a low blow.  I know you had no way of knowing about this, but both my foot and ass were shot off in the Boer War, leaving me with a pronounced lisp.  I think that personal attacks like this just cheapen us both, Zack.  I sure hope that you love America as much as I do, Zack.  I sure hope that “Zack Marcotte hates America” is an untruthful statement.  I know I would never suggest such a blasphemous lie, and I hope you would, too.

My intent was not to tell “people” what music to listen to, but rather to tell “Black Eye Peas fans” that their choice in music is hurtful and that they are to blame for the current economic downturn and climate change.  You don’t hate polar bears, do you Zack?  I certainly hope not.  At any rate, I apologize if my meaning was unclear.  In fact, if I in any way used the word “music” to refer to the Black Eye Peas, I wish to formally apologize publicly, wholeheartedly, and hyperbolically.

As for me being “hypocritical,” well… mea culpa.  You caught me red-handed.  I am, indeed, a huge hypocrite.  In fact, I have every song the Black Eye Peas have ever recorded.  I didn’t buy any of them, of course, but downloaded them illegally from The Napster.  (I’m just kidding.  I would never own any of their music in any format, legally-obtained or purloined.  I am sorry for lying.)

In closing, I pray that you and your five Facebook friends (Bret, Jelena, Stephanie, Tyler, and the aforementioned Renee) can somehow find it in your collective heart to forgive me.  Thanks for reading, and keep coming back!  Without readers like you, we wouldn’t have readers like you.  Love ya, buddy.


16
Dec 09

Auctioneers Creep Me Out

Auctioneers creep me out.  I don’t know exactly why.  Maybe it’s because I’m afraid they want to eat me.  Maybe it’s because they remind me of my former life in Iowa.  Auctioneers are big in Iowa.  Not big as in “popular,” but big as in “gigantic.”  I think they’re secretly robots.

All true auctioneers must have 5 things:

  1. cowboy hat (covers up massive head and bald spot)
  2. gavel (for whackin’ so drunk rednecks know when to stop yelping)
  3. severe stuttering problem (haaaaa-m’na, ha-m’na, ha-m’na, ha-m’na, SOLD to the drunk redneck in the cowboy hat!)
  4. body odor
  5. deviated septum

auctioneerThis brings me to another point: I’ve only seen auctioneers when they’re auctioneerin’. Or have I?

Hypothetically, if an auctioneer weren’t in auctioneer mode, he might not creep me out so much.  But I’m not really sure, as I’ve never seen one that wasn’t in auctioneer mode.  At least, I don’t think so.  Then again, how would I know?  And if he isn’t auctioneerin’, is he still an auctioneer?

Holy crap, I am seriously freaked out right now.


10
Dec 09

Team Edward

TeamEdward


10
Dec 09

Was John Lennon Psychic?

In hindsight, it certainly would appear that John Lennon was psychic when he penned the song “Norwegian Wood.”

I mean… how else could he have known that Elin Nordegren would go after Tiger with a golf club?  [ba-dump-ching!]

(Yeah, I know she’s Swedish.  Just play along.)


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