Jun 30 2008
Lexicontortion
Does anyone else have a problem with the above sign?
Let’s define our terms: “Medium” is Small. “Large” is Medium. And “King” is WayTooFuckingBig. Welcome to America. Please roll thru.
Corporate America is brainlaundering us into believing that we are getting more value just because they have changed how their minimum wage slaves puke out words. It doesn’t matter that a “small” (aka “medium”) meal is actually considered LARGE in Japan as it is… Americans need VALUE.
I don’t know which is worse… that THEY are doing it or that WE let them get away with it.
Following is a typical exchange between myself and a nondescript anonymous drive-thru worker (translated from heavily-accented Spanglish into what I imagine is what they are actually saying):
- NADTW: Sir, may I take order?
- Me: Yes, I’d like a cheeseburger.
- NADTW: Would you like combo?
- Me: Sure.
- NADTW: What you like drink?
- Me: Coke (really, I’d rather have Pepsi, but they never have it… so I lie).
- NADTW: What size?
- Me: Small.
- NADTW: . . .
- Me: . . .
- NADTW: You mean medium?
- Me: . . . No… I mean “small.”
- NADTW: . . .
- Me: . . .
- NADTW: We no got small. Only medium.
- Me: . . .
- NADTW: Hello?
- Me: What is the smallest size you have?
- NADTW: Medium.
- Me: Is there anything smaller?
- NADTW: No.
- Me: You DO know that “medium” means “in the middle,” right? If it’s the smallest drink, and there’s nothing smaller, how the hell can it possibly be in the middle? In the middle of WHAT???
- NADTW: . . .
- Me: Nevermind. Please don’t spit in my drink.
- NADTW: [garbled] please drive thru
Corporate America isn’t the only criminal organization guilty of this. Politicians are also rather deceitful and devious. They can smile to your face while their confederates are jamming candy canes up your poop shoot. At least when McDonald’s lies to us, it only kills us and robs us of our money slowly. Politicians are significantly quicker with their thievomurdery.
Did anyone notice when “Global Warming” became “Climate Change?” Was it right around the time that the data showing a 9 year COOLING trend came out? Hmmm. Ain’t it great to be able to twist language so that even when you’re wrong, you can still FEEL right?
Don’t even get me started on “Change.” What change? What is changing? How? Specifically? By what authority? I happen to think that much of the stuff in America is fantastic. Start changing that, I might have to put a medium-sized boot up your ass. And by “medium,” I DO mean “assrippingly gi-normous.”
And “Fairness Doctrine?” How is it “fair” to force viewpoints on people by requiring private companies to bend to the will of whoever happens to be wielding the riding crop at the moment?
Words mean things, folks. That’s why they’re in the dictionary. Stop with the double-speak. Enough of the lies. Fuck passive-aggressiveness in its passive-aggressive booty-hole. Open your mouth and say exactly what you think. You can be nice about it; a certain degree of social lubrication is a good thing… just don’t slather it with butter and bullshit. If we could just express ourselves more honestly with each other… imagine what we could accomplish! Lawyers might even end up on the endangered species list!
In closing, I want to leave you with a few words from the late, great George Carlin:
The CIA doesn’t kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people. Or they de-populate the area. The government doesn’t lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call “sunshine units.” Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it.
RIP, Motherfucker.
