HackerHaus

If you’re anything like me, as you grow older, you find yourself yearning more and more for the good ol’ days.

I’m not talking about Grapes of Wrath Good Ol’ Days.  I’m talking about some serious Hardline Soviet Union-style Communism good ol’ days.

While those happy, carefree days may be gone forever [cough], fear not… there are still ways to get your fix.  Much like hitting the roller rink for a couple skate to the strains of “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” can take the edge off the ol’ 80s nostalgia, the interwebs are a great place to sate one’s craving for down home hardline commie propaganda.

One of my favorites is the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK.  For those not hip with the lingo, DPRK = “Democratic” People’s Republic of Korea (aka North Korea, aka Wacko-Land).  Here are a few blurbs I thought were particularly nice, followed by my Capitalist Pig Retorts.

Kim Yong Nam, president of the Presidium of the DPRK Supreme People’s Assembly, met and had a friendly talk with Koitsiro Matsuura…

• Koreans are not friendly.  Remain vigilant.

Working people are enjoying their holidays in sanatoria and rest homes built in scenic spots of the DPRK.

• Happiness and enjoyment are a crime against The State and will not be tolerated.

Sixty-three years have elapsed since the U.S. imperialists occupied south Korea in September 1945.

• This is perfectly reasonable.  Plus, don’t you just love how they still call the U.S. “imperialist?”  It’s so 1946!  Can you smell the nostalgia?

The United States must withdraw its forces from south Korea at once, putting an end to the history of crimes in which it has only imposed misfortunes and sufferings on the south Koreans.

Misfortunes and sufferings such as:

• Food
• Freedom
• Shelter
• Medicine
• Electricity
• Stone Temple Pilots
• The pleasures of driving in Seoul traffic
• Hot and cold running (and I do mean “running”) dysentery
• A slightly lower chance of being kungdungi-humped to death by Kim Jong Il

Some days ago, the chief executive of Japan met with the U.S. president and promised that Japan’s Maritime “Self-Defence Force” would carry on its refueling action in the Indian Ocean.

• Come on… putting “Self-Defence Force” in quotes?  That’s awfully petty and just downright passive-aggressive.  Sarcasm does not become you, DPRK.

Have you ever dreamt of vacationing in beautiful North Korea?  Perhaps you’ve fantasized about 4 sensuous days and nights in the French Riviera of the Asian Communist Dictatorship World, scenic Pyongyang?  If this sounds like you, surf on over to the Official Website of the DPRK and don’t forget to pack your forged Canadian passport!

Ok, I don’t normally just copy things from other people (ahem), but this was too good to pass up.

Bike for sale.

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[the original]

Tigh-Roslin 2008

In the spirit of fair play, here is a leaked excerpt from VP candidate Sarah Palin’s upcoming RNC speech.

Disclaimer:  this might also be real.

On her experience as a public servant:

“I had the privilege of living most of my life in a small town. I was just your average hockey mom, and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids’ public education better. When I ran for city council, I didn’t need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and knew their families, too. Before I became governor of the great state of Alaska, I was mayor of my hometown. And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job involves. I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.”

On why she is going to Washington, D.C.:

“I’m not a member of the permanent political establishment. And I’ve learned quickly, these past few days, that if you’re not a member in good standing of the Washington elite, then some in the media consider a candidate unqualified for that reason alone. But here’s a little news flash for all those reporters and commentators: I’m not going to Washington to seek their good opinion - I’m going to Washington to serve the people of this country.”

On energy policies that the McCain-Palin administration will implement:

“Our opponents say, again and again, that drilling will not solve all of America’s energy problems - as if we all didn’t know that already. But the fact that drilling won’t solve every problem is no excuse to do nothing at all. Starting in January, in a McCain-Palin administration, we’re going to lay more pipelines…build more nuclear plants…create jobs with clean coal…and move forward on solar, wind, geothermal, and other alternative sources. We need American energy resources, brought to you by American ingenuity, and produced by American workers.”

On John McCain:

“Here’s how I look at the choice Americans face in this election. In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change.”