If you’re anything like me, as you grow older, you find yourself yearning more and more for the good ol’ days.
I’m not talking about Grapes of Wrath Good Ol’ Days. I’m talking about some serious Hardline Soviet Union-style Communism good ol’ days.
While those happy, carefree days may be gone forever [cough], fear not… there are still ways to get your fix. Much like hitting the roller rink for a couple skate to the strains of “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” can take the edge off the ol’ 80s nostalgia, the interwebs are a great place to sate one’s craving for down home hardline commie propaganda.
One of my favorites is the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK. For those not hip with the lingo, DPRK = “Democratic” People’s Republic of Korea (aka North Korea, aka Wacko-Land). Here are a few blurbs I thought were particularly nice, followed by my Capitalist Pig Retorts.
Kim Yong Nam, president of the Presidium of the DPRK Supreme People’s Assembly, met and had a friendly talk with Koitsiro Matsuura…
- Koreans are not friendly. Remain vigilant.
Working people are enjoying their holidays in sanatoria and rest homes built in scenic spots of the DPRK.
- Happiness and enjoyment are a crime against The State and will not be tolerated.
Sixty-three years have elapsed since the U.S. imperialists occupied south Korea in September 1945.
- This is perfectly reasonable. Plus, don’t you just love how they still call the U.S. “imperialist?” It’s so 1946! Can you smell the nostalgia?
The United States must withdraw its forces from south Korea at once, putting an end to the history of crimes in which it has only imposed misfortunes and sufferings on the south Koreans.
Misfortunes and sufferings such as:
- Stone Temple Pilots
- The pleasures of driving in Seoul traffic
- Hot and cold running (and I do mean “running”) dysentery
- A slightly lower chance of being kungdungi-humped to death by Kim Jong Il
Some days ago, the chief executive of Japan met with the U.S. president and promised that Japan’s Maritime “Self-Defence Force” would carry on its refueling action in the Indian Ocean.
- Come on… putting “Self-Defence Force” in quotes? That’s awfully petty and just downright passive-aggressive. Sarcasm does not become you, DPRK.
Have you ever dreamt of vacationing in beautiful North Korea? Perhaps you’ve fantasized about 4 sensuous days and nights in the French Riviera of the Asian Communist Dictatorship World, scenic Pyongyang? If this sounds like you, surf on over to the Official Website of the DPRK and don’t forget to pack your forged Canadian passport!