Dear People Who Make Movies and TV Shows

Thanks for keeping us entertained.

I rather enjoy watching military-related programs like NCIS and pretty much any action/spy movies with a high SBU factor.  In other words, pretty much anything with Matt Damon beating the holy living shit out of someone with bad-ass Krav Maga moves.  I swear I’m not gay, but I’d consider taking his Bourne Ultimatum into my Green Zone… if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, listen… while I have your attention, I have one request.  Please stop making your actors explain acronyms.  Seriously.  It makes you sound retarded and makes us feel like you think we’re retarded.

For example:

  • Mel Gibson:  “Oh noes!  It’s the NSA!”
  • Random Douchebag:  “You mean the National Security Agency???”
  • Mel Gibson:  (Stares blankly at Random Douchebag.)
  • Random Douchebag:  (Stares blankly back at Mel Gibson.)
  • Mel Gibson:  “No, dumbfuck.  I mean ‘Noodle Slurpers of Armenia.’  Did your parents drop you on your head straight into a pile of yak shit when you were a baby?”

How about another:

  • LL Cool J:  “Looks like our dead Marine was former EOD in Iraq.”
  • Random Douchebag: (Knowing nod) “Explosive Ordinance Disposal.”
  • LL Cool J:  “Look… how’d you like me to shove this block of C4 up your urethra and blow it up remotely via an unnecessarily elaborate cell-phone-based detonation process?”
  • Random Douchebag: (Pauses) “You said ‘blow’…”
  • LL Cool J: (boom)

I think you get the idea.

Seriously, stop it.  The bottom line is that we, your mind-numbed viewing public, are not stupid.  At least, not as stupid as you are.  Many of us have actually done some of the things your actors are pretending to do on screen.  Face it… if “the people” are too stupid to get it, they’re too stupid to watch your show.  They belong on E! watching the Kardashians (Armenian reference #2) wax their forearms.  You don’t need them.  You don’t want them.

That is all.  Thank you for your service to our country.  USA!!!  USA!!!  (Not the channel.)

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