Dear SciFi (SyFy) Channel

SyFailFirst off, I’ll be blunt: the new name is awful. “SciFi” was a good name. “SyFy” is made of diet fail. Everyone in the world agrees with me, with the possible exception of the few executards that voted to change it for no apparent reason. It looks like it should be pronounced “siffy,” which sounds like some quaint Cockney slang for venereal disease. “Oy, guv’nor… got a wee bit of the SyFy, do we?”

Also, I hate that there are no more new “Battlestar Galactica” episodes. I realize this isn’t your fault, but still… just sayin’. “Caprica” is nice and all, but it’s no BSG. Anyway, I digress. On to my point.

Please stop making horrible movies.

“Alice” was so bad as to be offensive, despite your best efforts to pander to the secret Tim Curry geek that lives somewhere deep, deep inside of me. The writing was insipid. The acting was irrelevant. Not that it really matters, but the so-called “judo” was just insulting. At least Alice managed to toss in a “Captain Kirk throw” for good measure, eh?

Max Headroom? Colm Meaney? My, how the mighty have fallen. Why have you forsaken me??? Was Steven Seagal not making any new Direct-to-USA-Network movies this week? At least Caterina Scorsone was nice to look at.

Oh, BTW… what was the deal with the real cat with the CGI Cheshire grin? Creeped me right the hell out. Stop that.

Please consider leaving perfectly good stories alone. What was wrong with the original “Alice in Wonderland” story line? What’s next? “Robo-Dumpty?” How ’bout “Snow White and the Seven Deadly Gargoyles?” Oh, wait… I got it: “Winnie the Pooh: SPIDERS!!!”

I can just imagine tomorrow’s big pitch meeting: “Hey, I have an idea for a holiday movie that the kids will love! It’s just like Good King Wenceslas, only this time, Wenceslas is a half-man/half-giraffe member of a secret clan of ninja assassins, and he’s totally gonna hook up with Megan Fox and… and… [brain aneurysm].”

Aren’t you about overdue to make “Mansquito 2: Electric Boogaloo?”

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  • The “black belt” crap she was fighting with was terrible and end was ridiculous

  • Subject me to offensively bad martial arts or cram awful Japanese (or Russian) into my earholes, and you've made a mortal enemy for life.

  • Great post. Nice tone. I'm not hating it this much 🙂

  • Facebook User

    Siffy and judo?? Sounds dangerous.. and a little kinky..

  • Facebook User

    Siffy and judo?? Sounds dangerous.. and a little kinky..