Obligatory @CharlieSheen Post


Charlie Sheen has experienced a sort of spiritual epiphany as of late.  He is the topic of conversation everywhere you turn.  Overnight, seemingly by some sort of warlock magic, he became the undisputed champion of Twitter and Ustream.

Charlie Sheen is a modern zen master.  Charlie Sheen is a stealth fighter with switchblade eyeballs and grizzly bear jaws for testicles.  He runs on pure Tiger Blood, Jet Fuel, and Charlie Sheen.

He is Charlie Sheen.

I’ve collected a few of Charlie Sheen’s zen koan.  I follow each with my own questions and observations.

“I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.”

If it is actual Tiger Blood that makes Charlie Sheen the awesome warlock that he is, why are actual tigers relatively lame?  Are they genetically immune to the effects?

What if you die really awesomely, like… with a machete or something?  Does that still make you an amateur?

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Isn’t he worried about recursively overdosing on himself?  Does the Tiger’s Blood protect him from the effects of his own nested awesomeness?

Only a ninja can kill a ninja… but not even Charlie Sheen can kill Charlie Sheen.  That’s how powerful he is.  Injecting Charlie Sheen into your veins is the drug equivalent of looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant.

“It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary.”

If he’s so busy winning (which… duh… he obviously is…), how does he have time to actually put the wins in the record books?  Did he hire someone to do the monkey work for him?  Maybe he’s he a time lord.

“These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”

Charlie Sheen’s heart only has 3 chambers.  He didn’t need the extra chamber, so he ripped it out with his mind.

“I mean, what’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party man, it’s epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

Armless children are made of pure win as it is, but Charlie Sheen is better.  That’s how hard Charlie Sheen wins.

“I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.”

Is this an actual collection or just a metaphor?  Either way… win.

“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA.”

I’m guessing the Adonis DNA somehow chemically interacts with the Tiger Blood and recursive Charlie Sheen drug to eternally fuel his warlock powers.  This would definitely explain his invincibility.

“Duh, winning!”

Duh indeed.

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