“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU DIPSHIT! YOU CAN’T TELL PEOPLE WHAT MUSIC TO LISTEN TO, I FOR ONE THINK THE BLACK EYED PEAS HAVE VERY GOOD MUSIC! SO STOP TRYING TO PUT YOUR LAME ASS FOOT DOWN ON MUSIC YOU HYPOCRITICAL SACK OF SHIT!”
Zack, thank you for your delightful missive. And thank you also for the lone comma. While it should have technically been a period, I still give you points for effort, and I applaud the River Ridge High School English department for trying. Now, with your permission, I’d like to address some of your concerns.
As far as my “problem” goes, I assure you that I have more than one. (But perhaps the “S” key on your typewriter started sticking around the same time that your caps lock key broke. Devoid of proof of either case, I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you meant to type “problemS.” Maybe even with a trendy final “Z.”)
Anyhoo, I digress. Back to my problem(s). For starters, I am somewhat lactose intolerant. This means that too much dairy gives me diarrhea. But I don’t let that stop me, if you know what I mean (and I’m sure you do). When I get the runs, it can turn the air for 20 feet in all directions into something slightly less than pleasant. This kinda makes it hard for me to get a date. I can see that you don’t have the same problem, because your girlfriend Renee would probably have told you by now. She seems like an honest gal. Anyway, because of my little problem, I wouldn’t last a minute in your home state of Wisconsin, where cheese is the official state bird and incest tickles. I’m also a bit short for my height, and I am unable to read German backwards while wearing a wetsuit. I’m sure you get the idea.
As for both my foot and ass being lame… well, that’s just a low blow. I know you had no way of knowing about this, but both my foot and ass were shot off in the Boer War, leaving me with a pronounced lisp. I think that personal attacks like this just cheapen us both, Zack. I sure hope that you love America as much as I do, Zack. I sure hope that “Zack Marcotte hates America” is an untruthful statement. I know I would never suggest such a blasphemous lie, and I hope you would, too.
My intent was not to tell “people” what music to listen to, but rather to tell “Black Eye Peas fans” that their choice in music is hurtful and that they are to blame for the current economic downturn and climate change. You don’t hate polar bears, do you Zack? I certainly hope not. At any rate, I apologize if my meaning was unclear. In fact, if I in any way used the word “music” to refer to the Black Eye Peas, I wish to formally apologize publicly, wholeheartedly, and hyperbolically.
As for me being “hypocritical,” well… mea culpa. You caught me red-handed. I am, indeed, a huge hypocrite. In fact, I have every song the Black Eye Peas have ever recorded. I didn’t buy any of them, of course, but downloaded them illegally from The Napster. (I’m just kidding. I would never own any of their music in any format, legally-obtained or purloined. I am sorry for lying.)
In closing, I pray that you and your five Facebook friends (Bret, Jelena, Stephanie, Tyler, and the aforementioned Renee) can somehow find it in your collective heart to forgive me. Thanks for reading, and keep coming back! Without readers like you, we wouldn’t have readers like you. Love ya, buddy.