According to news sources, the leader of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church, Patriarch Abuna Paulos, has reportedly informed Pope Benedict XVI that he will publicly reveal the Ark of the Covenant, long thought to be either myth or lost forever to history.
The Ark, a staple of both modern pop and fringe culture, thanks in part to the 1981 Steven Spielberg classic “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” is thought to possess supernatural powers, including the ability to lay waste to entire cities and to allow man to speak directly to God. “It’s a transmitter. It’s a radio for speaking to God,” as one Ark scholar described it.
The Ark is said to be a sacred container, and is believed to hold the very stones that the Ten Commandments were engraved upon by the hand of God. When asked about the Ark’s contents, Paulos admits that, while he has been in the physical presence of the Ark, he has never looked inside. “Did you see that guy’s face melt? There ain’t no way I’m opening it… fuck that shit.” According to Paulos, the Ark is supposed to contain the tablets, some guy’s rod, and possibly a half-eaten sandwich. “Plus,” added Paulos, “the angels on top are totally naked!”
The internet was immediately set ablaze with news and rumors of the planned reveal. Blogs, online news sites, and services like Twitter were buzzing with speculation. Famed celebutard blogger Perez Hilton (aka Mario Armando Lavandeira) released the following official statement on his blog, “Yeah, yeah… whatever. Ark, Ark, Ark… blah, blah, blah… what about ME??? Did you hear that will.i.am punched me? You guys totally suck! (sad-face)”
Other actual celebrities soon weighed in on the news. Pope Benedict thought it sounded “cool.” Actress Farah Fawcett was quoted as saying, “I can’t wait to see it!” Former President George W. Bush said, “Neato mosquito. I wonder if there’s any aminal skulls still on the boat?” Zombie Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment.
Graham Hancock, noted conspiracy whack-job, said “I totally fucking told you so!” He then proceeded to try and explain how an alien race of English-speaking robots had built a sun-destroying machine inside one of the pyramids tens of thousands of years ago.
The online video service YouTube, in conjuction with MSNBC, CNN, Fox News, and The Spice Channel, announced on Wednesday that high definition video of the reveal will be made available online as soon as it has been released to the public.
In an official release, however, Microsoft’s Bill Gates (right) warned of a known incompatibility with Vista. “The combination of the pure good of the Lord with the pure evil of Vista will totally melt your fucking face,” Gates said. “I wouldn’t if I were you. I’m switching to Ubuntu.”