How to @YouTube

Lighting: The light source goes in front of you, but behind the camera. Not behind you. Not in front of you and also in front of the camera. Put the damned light in front of you and behind the camera. Overhead lighting will work in a pinch, but only if it isn’t in frame, or so bright that it whites out everything. See, the way light works is that it has to bounce off of something, then back to our eyes, in order for us to see it clearly. How well can you see when you do the sun stare? Is this starting to make sense?

Hot chicks: First, on behalf of all mankind, thank you for your services. Now, on to my point. Before filming your next masterpiece, please double-check to make sure that there are no unrestrained dogs, cats, or boyfriends that might wander douchebaggily into the shot, thereby ruining my moment. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is.

Hot chick friends: If you have hot friends who want to join in, by all means… please invite them. Nothing inspires young teenage girls to pull out their best freaky circus Hannah Montana stripper moves like a little healthy competition for daddy’s attention. Exception: if your hot friend is a buzz-kill, please lock her in the bathroom for the remainder of the shoot. There is very little in this world that is worse that you doing something incredibly hot, then stopping to spend the next 5 minutes trying to convince your giggling simp of a friend to shake her ass for me.

Un-hot chick friends: Just don’t.

Editing: Do it. Nobody needs to see 5 minutes of you cleaning piles of Hello Kitty paraphernalia off your floor and giggling with your friends before you get down to shaking your booty for daddy. The walk of shame back up to the camera to turn it off may be left in if it’s particularly hot. Remember… editing is your friend (and mine).

Sound: We’re talking music and audio quality here. In all honesty, neither really matters, as I’m probably just going to mute it anyway. If, however your choice in music is absolutely vital to the experience, or if you are planning on moaning and calling out my name, please let me know in advance so I can plug in my earbuds.

Mise en scène: This is a cinematographic phrase of French origin that means “If you’re on the floor shaking your booty, please make sure that the camera is pointed at you.”

Choreography: A little time invested in planning out your routine is very welcome. This ties into mise en scène as well. If you are planning on dropping it like it’s hot, please make sure that your camera operator knows about this in advance and is capable of moving a camera properly to capture your art uninterrupted.

Camera operation: Never, ever turn your camera sideways, upside down, tilt it to a jaunty angle, move it around, or do anything similarly annoying that is likely to make me throw up in my lap. If I wanted to see sucky camera work, I’d turn on MTV. Holding the camera while running/dancing/prancing around is also discouraged. Remember… tripods are your friend.

Warm up: Always stretch out first.

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