It’s FIFA World Cup time again, and like all red-blooded ‘Muricans, I have been waiting in anticipation for each and every game of the World Cup so that I can ignore each and every game of the World Cup.
This is ‘Murica! Who do we think we are now? Part of the world? You don’t see Brasil (they can’t even spell “Brazil” correctly) playing in the World Series, do you? No! That’s because we don’t need ’em! Just like the song says, “we are the world.”
Let’s face it. We know that soccer is way cooler than our ‘Murican version of football. If that weren’t bad enough, the entire rest of the planet has the gall to call soccer “football.” Let’s get something straight, planet. We don’t care if your version of “football” is, like, way older than ours. We’re ‘Muricans! When we name something, we ‘spect it to stay named! And don’t even get me started on your strangely-named games like “Australian Rules Football” and “Rugby,” both of which make ‘Murican football players (or “footballers” in worldy lingo) look like a bunch of pansies in PVC armor and spandex groping for each others Hacky Sacks whilst watching a special double feature of “Mamma Mia” and “Sex in the City 2” in a dark movie theatre full of sailors.
Anyhoo, soccer sucks… blah, blah blah.
So, there I was, happily ignoring the World Cup, when I heard a story on the news about the ragtag team of North Koreans that really tugged at the ol’ 심장 strings. Not the actual team, mind you. By “team,” I mean the North Korean fans. And by “North Korean fans,” I mean “Chinese actors hired by the North Korean government to pretend to be North Koreans because the North Korean government won’t let North Koreans out of North Korea for fear that they (North Koreans) might see how the rest of us live and have to go home (to North Korea) really, really bummed.”
What really gets me angry is that they hired unknowns. Think of how awesome the World Cup could have been had they hired the following:
- Jackie Chan – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, while drunk, using improvised weapons like clay wine bottles and vuvuzelas, all while making comical faces and pretending to have hurt his fist after punching big guys in the face.
- Jet Li – totally would’ve ass whooped everyone, but looked like an angry bad-ass while doing it. No weapons needed. Just pure bad-assery.
- Chow Yun Fat – totally would’ve ass-whooped everyone, except with guns and a shaved head. And you’d totally want to do him, cuz he’s so freaking cool.
- Stephen Chow – Um… “Shaolin Soccer“… every heard of it? Hello?
- Diana Pang – Mrowr .
While I’m at it, and not that it has anything whatsoever to do with what I’m talking about, why doesn’t soccer have cheerleaders? Wouldn’t it make the sport even more awesome? Can you imagine how sweet a hooligan cheerleader fight would be with all the mud, pom poms, and broken teeth? Anyway, to sorta bring this back to the topic at hand, can you imagine what the North Korean cheerleading team might look like? My money would definitely be on them to beat the crap out of all the other cheerleader hooligans.
Where was I? Oh yeah. I’m not watching the World Cup because I’m a ‘Murican, and ‘Muricans don’t like stuff that’s cooler than our stuff. The end.
 Diana Pang = mrowr. See right.